January 10, 2008

A Gentle Caesarean - it is possible

Can a caesarean section feel as natural as a vaginal birth? Yes, according to Professor Nick Fisk , an obstetrician in London. Fisk is the pioneer of a movement to slow down the delivery of the baby during a c-section and allow the parents to participate more in the birth. Instead of being separated from the birth by a drape, a “gentle” caesarean allows the parents to view the birth and for the baby to be delivered to the mother’s chest for immediate skin-to-skin contact.

According to a December 2005 article in The Guardian, Dr. Fisk says, “What I realized was that caesareans were done a certain way because they’ve always been done a certain way, but in fact they can be done differently - and in a way that parents love.”

Other doctors are sometimes shocked when they hear what Fisk is doing. “They say, but surely you have to get the baby out fast so she can get oxygen straight away? And I say, when the baby is being born she’s still attached to the umbilical cord and is still getting oxygen from the placenta. Caesarean birth can be gentle, just as vaginal birth can be gentle. Obstetricians are too hung up on getting from the point of incision to the birth of the baby as quickly as possible: that’s been the benchmark of a skilled surgeon. But I’m challenging that because, from the baby’s and from the parents’ point of view, it’s not very helpful.”

Read the entire article, including a description of one family’s experience of a gentle caesarean, here.

Thank you to my doula friend, Consie, for tipping me off about this caesarean method. I’m surprised we haven’t heard more about it in the U.S. considering Dr. Fisk has been using the method for years. In a gentle caesarean, parents feel more involved, breastfeeding is easier because there is skin-to-skin contact right after birth instead of the baby being whisked away, and the babies are calmer because the birth occurs slowly.

If you’ve had a caesarean section, what do you think of the gentle caesarean philosophy? I highly encourage pregnant women to explore this method more so they can discuss it with their doctors. American doctors need to get on the bandwagon about it! Many new moms I’ve worked with found their caesareans to be a traumatic experience. Why not make this surgical procedure better for both babies and parents?

Comments (0)

January 2, 2008

“I Was a Really Good Mom” interview - Part 3

What happened? The holidays just flew by and it looks like none of my work took a holiday. :) Funny how that happens! I do have a new cool 2008 calendar/planner that it’s fun to fill in, but I’m trying my best not to overload it.

My goal is to make 2008 as stress-free as possible. Since my head is still spinning from the holidays, I’d better ease into this year slowly or I’ll be worn out by February. Can you relate?

Today we are finishing our interview with Amy Nobile and Trisha Ashworth, the authors of I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, a very funny and informative book that will help you discover how to love modern motherhood as much as you love your children.

MB: What are your thoughts on how women can come to peace about hiring help (housecleaning, babysitting, etc..)?

A&T: It all comes down to prioritizing. For some families, the most important thing is not the cooking of the meal, but the quality time and conversation–so ordering out or getting pre-made meals is a great solution. Some moms hire help to ensure that they’re nurturing themselves and/or their relationships, which is really important. We are feeling way too guilty for taking care of ourselves when that SHOULD be a huge priority.

MB: I loved your suggestions for discussing expectations with your husband, and also how you helped me to see things more from my husband’s perspective. Please share some of those ideas with my readers.

A&T: It’s important to sit down with your spouse and discuss what expectations you each have of each other. Who will be the primary breadwinner, and for how long? Who will do the dishes? Who will get up in the middle of the night? It’s amazing how regular, ongoing conversations about these things can set up a positive environment and eliminate unnecessary stress.

MB: Why can’t women give themselves permission to take care of themselves? Please discuss the importance to moms and their children of role-modeling self-care.

A&T: Our kids are watching us! They are learning from us and, if we’re not taking care of ourselves, they will eventually come to know that as ‘normal.’ If we are saying ‘yes’ to everything and putting ourselves last, it will negatively affect them. Remembering that helps keep our focus on taking care of ourselves as well as our families.

MB: I found it so hard to live in the present moment when I was a new mom. What suggestions do you have for focusing on the here and now?

A&T: One mom with older kids told us that she now realizes that the small moments are really the big ones–the ones that count. Don’t forget when you’re in a hard phase, it will quickly pass–but also cherish the good phases because they too will pass. Even just breathing into a sweet moment once a day with your child can help you stay centered.

MB: Please tell us about your new book coming out in the spring.

A&T: Our new book is called Dirty Little Secrets From Otherwise Perfect Moms. It’s a compendium of dirty little secrets–which are really the clues to what’s going on for moms today. It was really fascinating and fun to put together!

MB: Thank you so much, Amy and Trisha. It was great to read your book and to get your insights on how moms can stay true to themselves, align their expectations with reality, and make peace with the choices they make. Every mom (and dad) will find I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids helpful.

Comments (0)

December 18, 2007

Part 2 of Amy Nobile and Trisha Ashworth Interview

Today we continue our interview with the authors of I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids. Amy Nobile and Trisha Ashworth have written a book that any mom can relate to. From interviews with over 100 women, they uncover the guilty secrets moms hide and provide real solutions to step out of the craziness, lower your stress, and find balance.

If you missed Part 1, go here.

Part 2:

MB: I love how you discussed the mental and emotional work involved in running a home, particularly all the decision-making, in your book. How can we learn to validate and honor all the work mothers do in the home?

A&T: So many moms we talked to felt like the ‘work’ they do in the home is just mundane and not very valuable, which is not the case. In many instances it’s a simple ‘thank you’ from our spouses that would help the situation. But, at the end of the day, we have to realize that whether we’re working at being a stay-at-home mom or going to an office very day, we’re making the best conscious choices we can for our individual families.

MB: Why do moms need to let go of perfectionism?

A&T: What we learned is that our expectations as moms are so out of whack and our lists of ’shoulds’ are growing out of control. We’re not making conscious choices. We’re so overburdened with what we think we should be doing that we’re losing focus on what’s really important.

We need to start realigning our expectations with reality, letting go of some of the pressure, and stop looking over our shoulders at what other moms are doing.

MB: Why do you think it’s so hard for mothers to be at peace with the choices they make?

A&T: Moms today are constantly questioning their choices in part because there’s not one ‘right’ path to being a good mom in today’s world (versus the past generation). We’re trying to validate our choices and so we’re judging other moms, and then wondering whether our choices are right.

Once we sit down and prioritize what’s important for our families, and then make choices that are right for us, it’s crucial to truly make peace with those choices. That way we at least have a shot at letting go of the guilt that plagues nearly all of us.

MB: Please discuss mother-guilt and why it is such a big issue for women.

A&T: Guilt stems from overblown expectations. If we take on too much, and focus too much on what others expect of us, we’re inevitably going to feel guilt for not living up to those expectations. So we need to sit down and sort out what expectations we’ve taken on, where they stem from, and how we can re-prioritize and let some of them go.

Next time: The final installment of my interview with Amy and Trisha. See you then!

Comments (0)

December 13, 2007

“I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids”

Trisha Ashworth and Amy Nobile are here to talk about motherhood and how to love it as much as you love your children. Their new book I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids: Reinventing Modern Motherhood is available now.

The book is a great read that exposes the secrets, through interviews with over 100 women, many of us hide about motherhood, and also examines the incredibly high demands we put on ourselves. The book provides strategies to help you set realistic expectations about your parenting, and ways to find freedom from “mommy guilt.”

One of the great things about Amy and Trisha’s book is the humor. I often found myself laughing out loud while reading it.

I appreciate their great tips for helping mothers in the midst of the craziness we call parenting. It’s a book I wish I had read before I had kids so I wouldn’t have been so hard on myself.

Chapter titles include: Am I A Bad Mom If I Don’t Buy Organic Vegetables?, I Love Being A Mom, I Just Hate Doing It, and Oh My God, I Don’t Want to Color Right Now.

THE INTERVIEW (Part 1):

MB: Why do you think moms feel so much pressure to appear happy and to “love” being a mom?

A&T: We grew up in a time that said ‘you can do it all - you SHOULD do it all.’ While we’re in a great generation for many reasons, what that mentality did is raise the bar on expectations to an absurd level. So now, as mothers, we really feel like we should be able to handle everything, say yes to everything and look and feel happy.

MB:Why do you think mothers don’t tell the truth about what they are experiencing?

A&T: One of the things we heard over and over again in writing our book is ‘I feel lucky…I know I should be happier….’ Moms today feel like something’s wrong with them if they’re not completely happy, in part because this generation provides more choices than any other generation. And that just perpetuates a false atmosphere…moms are looking around feeling really alone, when in reality nearly all moms are feeling at least a little bit insecure or guilty about how they’re doing as a mother.

MB: How can moms not be so judgmental of each other?

A&T: The first step to shedding judgment is to learn how to not judge yourself. We are way too hard on ourselves, and have to realize that we’re doing a good job, even if it’s not perfect. Also, one exercise we like is to say the word ‘judge’ to yourself every time you feel yourself judging someone else.

MB: Why can’t we admit how hard parenting is?

A&T: Again, if we’re not being honest with ourselves, it’s really hard to be honest with others. That’s the first step to learning how to love motherhood as much as you love your kids — start by being honest with yourself and then the other moms in your community.

Look for Part 2 next time.

Comments (0)

December 6, 2007

Self-Care - are you scheduling it?

Last Saturday, I attended a six-hour all women retreat. November was a month of many deadlines and other stresses, so I was VERY ready for this retreat.

The woman who ran the retreat, Jo Hatcher, was wonderful, but I had the darnedest time relaxing because of the build-up of stress in my body. I became very frustrated that I couldn’t unwind during this special time with other women.

Then I woke up Sunday morning with an incredible sense of calm and peace. I guess I had a delayed reaction to all we did Saturday. I made a decision to incorporate three changes:

1) Lay down in my yard and look at the sky every day for as long as I want/can. If I don’t get to this during daylight, I will lay down and look at the stars at night.

2) Cut down on sugar

3) Reread a book that has helped me before about financial stress: Real Prosperity: Using the Power of Intuition to Create Financial and Spiritual Abundance by Lynn Robinson.

So far, so good on my changes. I’ve laid down to look at the sky every day (except for when the ground was soaked from rain and I sat in a chair). Cutting back on sugar I can already feel is having an effect. It’s not like I’ll never eat sweets again - please! :) - but I think too much sugar puts me on a roller-coaster that ups my stress. I have Real Prosperity next to my bed and it’s the next book I’m going to read.

What I’ve been really happy about is that, compared to many other retreats I’ve attended, I’ve been able to maintain focus on my self-care and relaxation. I know it’s only been five days, but that’s an accomplishment for me! Often before after a retreat, I would come home and feel slammed right back into a stressful life.

What about you? Are you putting yourself on your calendar every day? Even if it’s just five minutes, you’ll find it makes a difference. Look at the sky like me, meditate, stretch, listen to music, take a bath.

I have to laugh at myself because I’m always telling women not to neglect their self-care, and then I fell right back into the trap last month! I’m going to do my best to keep it from happening again. I feel better and so does my family when I take time for me and am not a stressed-out, cranky mom.

Will you give yourself the gift of self-care this holiday season?

Comments (0)

November 28, 2007

Income and Housecleaning

A recent study found that married women do about one less hour of housework per week for every $7,500 they earn as full-time workers outside the home, regardless of the husband’s income.

I found the study’s conclusions interesting, but was surprised about the following comments from women in the article:

“It’s not about the paycheck for me and I’m guessing it never would be,” said Harriet Rogers. “Income and housework don’t have any connection at all in my mind.”

Wendy Mazza, who says she does as much housework as she did when she was earning less, said, “No matter how much money I make, nothing is going to change the responsibilities I have waiting for me at home … Even if I made $100,000 a year, I wouldn’t change what I think needs to get done.”

Call me crazy, but, if I made more money (which often translates to more demands on your time), I’d hire more housecleaning help (I currently have three hours of biweekly cleaning help) or lower my standards. When I read these two women’s comments, I thought–when do these women have a moment to themselves? Are they good about self-care? My guess is not.

What about you? Do you agree with the women quoted in the article? Do you think more income would change your willingness to hire help, or your cleaning standards?

Scroll down the left-hand column to my article Housework or Your Life under Articles by Melanie for more on hiring household help and life balance.

Comments (0)

November 26, 2007

My New Magazine Writing Book

GET YOUR ARTICLES PUBLISHED! - Now Available (in print or ebook form)

Over 100 Tips, Exercises, and Techniques to Sell Your Nonfiction Articles

FREE Query Letter Review with purchase

Would you like to write for magazines, but don’t know how to get started? Get Your Articles Published! will take you from article idea to publication–and paycheck! Learn the steps that professional writers use to sell their articles including how to:

Find Great Article Ideas

Write Article Proposals that Get Assignments

Negotiate for Higher Fees

Find Fascinating Interview Subjects

and Much More

Get Your Articles Published! includes all the exercises and information from my popular magazine writing class (class fees start at $36) along with additional tips, recommendations, writing exercises, and a free evaluation of one of your query letters.

Many of Melanie’s students have gone on to see their names in print, and so can you!

I’ve been freelancing for magazines and websites since 1999. My articles have appeared in over 100 publications including Shape Magazine, Jugglezine, Writer’s Digest, South Florida Parenting, and Vibrant Life. I also coach magazine and book writers.

Want a sneak peek at Get Your Articles Published!? The Introduction is below.

Print Workbook: Only $12.95 plus shipping charges. Email melaniebowden@earthlink.net for order information.

Ebook: $8.95 (no shipping charges). Click on the green book graphic in the left-hand column.

Questions? Click on Contact Melanie under my picture at left.

Happy Writing!

INTRODUCTION

Hello, fellow writer. I wrote this workbook so that you can start taking steps now to get your articles published. The content is based on a magazine writing course that I designed and teach, information I’ve learned in my own writing career (check my bio at the end of the book for more information on what I’ve published), and from coaching other writers.

If I can get published, anybody can. During my years as a student, English was always my worst subject. I was a math person! Although I loathed essay tests and writing papers, from a very young age I kept a diary of my private thoughts and observations. Harriet the Spy was one of my favorite childhood books. I even looked like Harriet with my glasses, page-boy hair cut, and tomboy clothes. I so wanted to be her and write detailed notebooks on the world around me. Any other type of writing, however, was a struggle.

In my 30s I started writing in my journals about the challenges I faced as a young mother. I found the writing very therapeutic and almost life-saving at times as I suffered through depression issues. When I looked back on the entries, I thought–hey, maybe I have something here–and started to educate myself about publication. But, boy, did I make a lot of mistakes in the beginning! This workbook is filled with tips and strategies I learned along the way so you can avoid the errors I made and get published and paid a lot faster than I did.

The thing that separates writers who get published from writers who don’t is persistence. I won’t lie to you. Writing is a tough business. But, by using the exercises and tips in this book and reading and writing whenever you can, you will eventually see your name in print. Don’t give up! It will happen.

I recommend you cover one section at a time at the most while working through this book, or even half a section or less for the longer ones. Take time to let each section sink in so you can process the information and exercises. Writing doesn’t always mean putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. The time you spend thinking, reading, and analyzing will make you a better writer.

Your fee for this workbook includes a Query Letter Review. When you have a letter ready, paste it into the body of an email (no attachments, please) and send your letter to me at: melaniebowden@earthlinknet. I will email you back my comments. Don’t know what a query letter is? You will know all about them by the end of this book.

I’m happy to answer questions you have about the workbook through my email address above. I do request that you hold any questions until you have completed the entire book as your questions may be answered in later sections.

Everyone’s path to publication is different. This book is a compilation of what’s worked best for me and many other writers. If some techniques don’t feel right for you, please modify them to your situation. You also may not be new to magazine writing. If so, I believe you still will find information in this book that will increase your number of publishing successes.

Now–let’s get going and get you published!

Comments (0)

November 21, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so many things to write about for the blog, but I’m on deadline for another writing project. Holiday preparations are also looming. You know how it is when you’re the mom! :)

Look for several posts next week. Some upcoming topics: The connection between income and housecleaning, an interview with the authors of I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, and an announcement about my new book for magazine writers.

Have a wonderful holiday. I’ve been thinking about the food all week. :)

Comments (0)

November 15, 2007

Writing Newsletter

Are you interested in writing, or would you like to attend one of my presentations on new parent issues? For free you can subscribe to my monthly e-newsletter Melanie’s Writing Updates. Find out what writing projects I’m up to and, if I’ll be presenting in your area, please come by and say Hi! The newsletter also includes tips for writers and information about my writing coach services.

To receive a free subscription, click the Contact Melanie button at the left under my picture and put “Subscribe Me” in the subject line. Your subscription is confidential. I never share your email address with anyone.

Come join the fun along with the almost 200 subscribers who already receive Melanie’s Writing Updates.

Comments (0)

“Why I Choose Cloth Diapers” article

I thought this article in the 11/14/07 of Dollar Stretcher for Parents gave some interesting points about the financial and environmental benefits of using cloth diapers.

I used both cloth and disposable diapers with my girls, but I wish I had known at the time how much I could have saved by using cloth more. Anyone who knows me knows I’m not into “guilting” parents into things (like choosing cloth diapers), but I do like to share interesting information when I find it. :)

I’d love to know how you chose what types of diapers to use, and the pros and cons you’ve found in your choice. Comment to this post, or click the Contact Me button under my picture at the left.

Why I Choose Cloth Diapers

by Michelle Kennedy

It was an ordinary afternoon at the basketball field. I was on the bleachers watching my oldest (again) play and was simultaneously wrestling my almost two-year-old (he arches his back and slams his head into my chest and I snuggle him to keep him from falling down a flight of bleacher stairs). I checked his diaper and proceeded to change him in a secluded spot. There was nothing unusual so far, but when I turned my head to retrieve his new diaper, I noticed several moms looking over my shoulder. I looked up from my spot on the floor and said, “Hi,” in an obviously-confused manner.

“What are you doing?” one of the ladies said.

“Changing Jack’s diaper,” I replied, trying not to “crack wise” as my grandmother would have said.

“What is that?” another lady said, pointing to Jack’s diaper.

“A diaper,” I said, wondering if I had to start speaking slowly and loudly too. And then it dawned on me why they were looking at me so strangely.

“Oh,” I said. “It’s a cloth diaper.”

“Really?” one of the mom’s asked. “You do that?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I have for years.”

“Gross,” was one mother’s reply. “I could never do that,” another said. “I wish I could,” said another, “but it’s just too much.”

Their reactions shouldn’t have surprised me, but they did a little. I mean, I understand thinking that cloth diapers can be a hassle, but to not even recognize one when they saw it?

After the initial shock wore off, I proceeded to give the other mothers a small class. I like to call it “Cloth Diapers 101.”

The first question is always, “Why do I use cloth diapers?”

Why wouldn’t I?

Let’s first put aside the fact that cloth diapers are really soft and it’s the only thing I can imagine putting next to my baby’s even softer skin. Let’s look at a disposable diaper. A disposable diaper contains traces of dioxin, a very toxic chemical bi-product of the paper-bleaching process. It is a carcinogenic chemical and is classified by the EPA as being the most toxic of all the cancer-linked chemicals. It is banned in most countries.

Disposables also contain Tributyl-tin (TBT), a known toxic pollutant said to cause hormonal problems in humans and animals.

Disposables have that lovely gel inside them, sodium polyacrylate, which is a super absorbent polymer that has been linked to Toxic Shock Syndrome.

If I spend so much time making sure that my baby only tries one food at a time to prevent food allergies, how on Earth can I validate putting this stuff on an area of extreme sensitivity.

There is also that whole environmental issue that often comes up. According to Carl Lehrburger, author of “Diapers in the Waste Stream: A review of waste management and public policy issues”: “In 1988, over 18 billion diapers were sold and consumed in the United States that year. The instructions on a disposable diaper package advise that all fecal matter should be deposited in the toilet before discarding, yet less than one half of one percent of all waste from single-use diapers goes into the sewage system. Over 92% of all single-use diapers end up in a landfill. In 1988, nearly $300 million dollars were spent annually just to discard disposable diapers, whereas cotton diapers are reused 50 to 200 times before being turned into rags.”

Further, disposables generate 60 times more solid waste and use 20 times more raw materials like crude oil and wood pulp than cloth diapers.

In 1991, an attempt towards recycling disposable diapers was made in the city of Seattle, involving 800 families, 30 day care centers, a hospital and a Seattle-based recycler for a period of one year. The conclusion made by Procter & Gamble was that recycling disposable diapers was not an economically feasible task on any scale.

“But I can’t be responsible for the whole world,” one mom said.

“No,” I replied, “but we can be responsible for our part in it. Besides, cloth diapers are way cheaper than disposables.”

“No, they’re not, they are so expensive to buy,” she said.

“At first,” I replied. “But I purchased five dozen diapers for Matt 14 years ago and I am still using diapers that I used on him on Jack. I’ve bought a dozen or two for each kid in between, but that’s it.”

Cloth diapers are only around $20 a dozen. If one does the math out, for let’s say two children (I have five, and any math done for five children is daunting). Buy five dozen diapers at $20 a dozen off eBay. That’s $100. Buy 10 pairs of nylon cover pants with maximum price of $10 a piece, but again, you can always get them cheaper than that at thrift stores, yard sales or online. That’s another $100. Some diaper pins at $2. You get a total of $202.00. And both kids are diapered for as long as need be. And then you have to do the laundry, but you were going to do the laundry anyway. So adding a couple of loads a week (and small ones at that) shouldn’t add too much to the mix.

$200 compared to disposables, which cost approximately $20 a package or $10 if you buy cheap ones. A newborn baby will get at least 12 changes a day! And a toddler will take six to eight. So, let’s say 10 diapers a day on average for 28 months. That’s 8,540 diapers. Wow! I did a little comparison shopping at Amazon.com and found that one can get 140 diapers for approximately $35. That’s about 25 cents a piece for a diaper. Multiply that by 8,540 and that’s a whopping $2135 spent on disposables over a two year (ish) period. I don’t know about you, but I can think of a lot of ways to spend $2000. And that’s bargain shopping. That doesn’t count the $10 you have to spend on a quick package of 10 diapers at the convenience store because you ran out.

“But what about diaper rash?” one of the moms asked.

For me personally, I have had five children in cloth diapers and not one has ever had a diaper rash problem. Once in a while, one will get a little redness, but it’s nothing that can’t be helped with a little Lansinoh or A&D Ointment. I have babysat for a lot of kids and the worse cases of diaper rash were on kids who were in disposables and usually those kids were left in their diapers a little too long. Further, I don’t put a cover on my baby’s diaper unless we are going out somewhere and we need to prevent leakage. Otherwise, my baby is in a pinned, organic cotton diaper, with air circulating and not a rash in sight.

My system for cloth diapering is almost as simple as disposable diapering. I keep a five-gallon bucket in the bathroom (which is also my laundry room) half-filled with water and a couple of spoonfuls of baking soda. When a diaper is wet, it comes off the baby and gets thrown in the bucket. A new diaper is put on the baby. Done. If the diaper is a little more, shall we say, involved, then it gets dunked in the toilet before being placed in the bucket.

If we are out and about, the offending diaper gets placed in a resealable bag and then placed in the bucket when we get home.

And that’s it. I do a load of diapers probably every two or three days. They are small loads with hot water and no bleach. In the winter, I use the dryer or hang by the woodstove. In the spring, summer and fall, I hang them outside.

Believe it or not, where I live, using cloth is actually more convenient than using disposables because I live very far from the nearest grocery store and our local stores do not always carry diapers. Being able to just run upstairs and run a load of laundry is much easier than strapping the kids in the car, buying gas, going to the grocery store, spending the money on the diapers, and then driving all the way home.

“But what about the poop?” a mom asked me again. Is it really so inconceivable that we must sometimes have to deal with poop? I know many women who clean out litter boxes and carry little bags around behind their dogs without so much as an “ick” but their own child’s poop? Blech! Poop is not that big a deal. Even with a disposable, you still have to look at it, smell it and clean it off a baby. You can’t get away from it. And with a disposable, you are supposed to put the offensive matter into a toilet before throwing it away. It’s just that no one ever does. If you can clean up after your dog, why not your child?

As it was once said (on a bumper sticker) “Poop Happens.”

Resources:
Ebay
The Real Diaper Association
The Diaper Hyena
Ecobaby

Michelle Kennedy is the author of 11 books, the Founding Editor of Organically Inclined, and the mother (now) of six children.

Comments (0)