Spit-up On My Shoulder

This is an entry from the journal I kept during and after the time I experienced postpartum depression. When I wrote this entry I was feeling better, but I still found myself needing lots of time to reflect on the experience and process what had happened. I felt haunted by it at times.

5/25/96 – 8:31 p.m.

My postpartum depression experience was incredibly horrible in retrospect. I truly thought I was losing my mind. I also was so afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would send me off to the loony bin. Especially when we went to see the counselor and she suggested either drugs or a stay at a mental hospital–although I’m sure that is what I needed.

Mental illness is so misunderstood in this country and probably everywhere. I remember having days where I thought there is just no way in hell I can keep going on. Then I would be driving to tutor or somewhere else alone and all I could think about was how I could crash the car so that I would die, but no one else would be hurt. I remember too being so angry at Mark for not seeing how much pain I was in even though I was using every ounce of energy to cover up how I felt.

Also, when we talked to the counselor she said to Mark, after I had divulged a lot about how I was feeling, that she was sure it was painful for him to hear it. I wanted to scream, “No one is in as much pain as I’m in! Why are you talking about his pain?” Even though we had been talking about my pain for the whole session up to that point. You get so twisted about how you perceive situations and the balance of something as basic as a conversation.

Even though it appears that the depression has subsided I still am doing things that frazzle me and aren’t healthy for me. I am so tired and have no immunity to getting sick.

Once you have experienced depression you never again will be unsympathetic to hearing of someone going through it. It really changed me and how I view life. I don’t think I will ever take for granted being able to feel positive emotions again. That flatness you feel with the depression is the worst thing–you don’t care about shit.

I’ll be back next week. My girls on our Spring Break and we have lots of fun plans that keep me from my computer.

See you next week. Happy Spring!

Are you looking for a greeting card for a mom that tells it like it is? Tired of all the mom cards with fluffy bunnies and cutesy teddy bears? Have I got a site for you!

Ma! Motherhood With Attitude has ecards for free, greeting cards and notepads for sale, and a newsletter. The cards are hysterical and honest at the same time, and cover many phases of motherhood. I love the Guilt Begins and Sleep Deprived ones for new moms.

One of the owners of Motherhood With Attitude, Janalee Chmel, has this to say in her bio at the site:

“I am continuously struck by the disconnect between what I am experiencing as a mom and what I see in greeting cards and gifts for mothers. Come on! We all sit around at play dates or moms nights out and talk about how hard it is! And yet, all the cards act like we’ve got it soooooo good.

I hope that my writing shares the real experience. If we can’t be honest about this, then our kids have won!”

Amen! Enjoy the site.

Great tip for expectant parents from mom, Terri Strack: Purchase an eye mask to use in the hospital and when you get home. Hospital staff often have to come in and check you while you’re sleeping. When they turn on the light, it can wake you up and ruin the sleep you desperately need. It also can be hard to relax in the hospital.

Terri found in recent hospital stays (she is fighting leukemia) that putting on the mask helped her relax and sleep through staff interruptions. She does advise that it takes about 20 minutes to relax once you put the mask on, so don’t expect instant results.

Once you’re home, you can also use the mask for rest/sleep during the day when your baby naps. Most of us are not use to sleeping during the day and the light can keep you awake. Give the mask a try and see if you get more rest.

Sometimes new moms are afraid to wear the mask while they are watching their baby. Don’t worry. Your ears will alert you when your baby is awake. There’s something I call “Mom Ears” that happens the second you give birth. You can suddenly hear every dang sound in the house, even if you don’t want to!, because nature has programmed you to be on alert for your baby’s cry. Trust your ears to signal you when your baby needs you.

I also think it would be fun to wear the mask since you can pretend you’re one of those glamorous stars in old movies. Who do you want to be? Bette Davis? Ava Gardner? Katherine Hepburn? You pick!

Thank you again to Terri for this idea. My thoughts are with her and her family. She has been so brave since being diagnosed in December, and is fighting hard to beat the leukemia. Go Terri!

Check out this interview with Kim Raver, an actress from Lipstick Jungle, called, “What Every New Mom Must Know.” It includes four comfort food recipes that Kim’s mother brought her when she came home from the hospital. If you’re due, you might want to let it slip to friends and family that you would love the same recipes yourself after you give birth.

I loved so many parts of the seven things on Kim’s list. She’s very honest about those early months of motherhood and, for those of you who have already given birth, you’ll recognize yourself when she describes the chaos and stress that can come with a newborn in the house. I hope some of her ideas will help you get more rest and lower your anxiety level.

I also love that she mentions skipping. I wrote an article about skipping for adults years ago. You can learn more about skipping here. You can’t help but smile when you skip, and it burns more calories than running! Try skipping for a block and you’ll see why.

Becoming a mother makes you feel so much more empathy for other mothers, including ones you will never know on the other side of the world. My compassion for other mothers and my desire to help someone in distress drastically increased after I gave birth.

That’s why I want you to know how much I value the hard work you are doing as a parent. Right now you might feel that no one appreciates you or can see all that you do. Even though I don’t know you, I appreciate how hard your job is. I honor you for choosing the highest calling–Mom. Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the scariest.

I can feel how hard you are working. Let yourself off the hook whenever you can. Don’t demand perfection. You are perfect the way you are–a mother who loves and nurtures her children, but also needs to nurture herself and let others nurture her.

You are doing an amazing job even if you’re having a bad day with your children. That’s when more than ever I know how hard your job is. Let peace and love from other mothers support you and guide you through any difficulties you are having.

Last Monday, (2/25), a report was released by the U.S. Census Bureau titled, “Maternity Leave and Employment Patterns of First-Time Mothers.” I found the charts and statistics fascinating in the report as a window into how women’s lives have changed since the 1960s.

The report first analyzes trends in women’s work experience prior to their first birth and the factors associated with employment during pregnancy. Changes are placed in the historical context of the enactment of family-related legislation during the last quarter of the twentieth century.

The next section identifies the maternity leave arrangements used by women before and after their first birth and the shifts that have occurred in the mix of leave arrangements that are used.

The final section examines how rapidly mothers return to work after their first birth and the factors related to the length of time they are absent from the labor force.

In addition to updating childbearing, employment, and maternity leave trends, the report provides details on changes many new mothers experience in the number of hours worked, pay level, and job skill level after the first birth. These changes are examined in relation to whether a woman returned to the same employer she had during pregnancy or changed employers after the birth of the child.

A portion of the conclusions from the report are pasted below including this line: “In addition, more women are working within a year of giving birth (64 percent in 2000–2002 compared with 39 percent in 1976–1980 and 17 percent in 1961–1965).”

We all knew mothers returning to work within the first year after birth had dramatically increased since the 60s. My question is, why are childcare options still so poor in this country considering 64 percent of families need high-quality, affordable care for their babies?

Wherever you stand on the “beaten to death” debate of at-home parents vs. parents who work outside the home, I think we all can agree that children need and deserve high-quality care.

REPORT CONCLUSIONS

Since the 1960s, women have experienced gains in education beyond the high school years and have continued to delay childbearing to older ages. The work experience of women both before and during the pregnancy preceding the birth of their first child has also increased. Women are more likely to work both before and during their pregnancy than they were 30 to 40 years ago and are working later into their pregnancy. Sixty-four percent of women who worked during their pregnancy in 2001–2003 did so into the last month of their pregnancy. In addition, more women are working within a year of giving birth (64 percent in 2000–2002 compared with 39 percent in 1976–1980 and 17 percent in 1961–1965).

One in four women quit their jobs before or shortly after the birth of their child in 2001–2003. Paid leave benefits were received by 49 percent of pregnant workers in 2001–2003; 39 percent of pregnant workers received unpaid leave; and 9 percent took disability leave. Data in this report also show that 83 percent of mothers who returned to work within 12 months of their child’s birth returned to their same employer. Women who returned to their same employer had a good chance of returning to a job with the same pay, skill level, and hours.

Hi Moms,

Another blog for new moms that I recommend is New Mom Central. Here’s the intro to the site from blogger Cheryl Wenzel:

Are you a first time mother or expectant mother? If so, I hope that this blog will be helpful for you as you transition into your new life role. Becoming a mother is a wondrous opportunity and miracle, but it can also be confusing, exhausting, and stressful. My purpose with this blog is to try to make the transition to motherhood less stressful and more joyful, especially during those important first three months postpartum.

Cheryl is currently seeking advice from real moms, like you!, to share with new mothers. Email Cheryl at: mamamiacher@yahoo.com with your answer to: “If there was one (or more) things that you wish someone would have told you before you became a mother for the first time, what was it?”

Cheryl will be doing a regular monthly post titled, “Advice From Other Mothers,” that will give “real live” advice from “real live” moms. Look for my contribution in the February 19th post that is currently on the front page of her blog.

If you have some sage (or not so sage) advice that you would like to give to help women make their transition to motherhood a little easier (or at least more understandable), please email Cheryl and share your knowledge. Other moms will appreciate it! I look forward to reading your words of wisdom.

Did you hear about this? Until 7 p.m. Chicago time today you can download Suze Orman’s 274-page book Women and Money: Owning the Power to Control Your Destiny for free as a pdf file. I just did it and it took 5 seconds to download. I did need to download Firefox first since I didn’t have it, but you can download Firefox for free at this link.

To download Orman’s book, go here, then scroll down and click on Women and Money. There are English and Spanish versions.

If the link above doesn’t work for you, go to the Oprah site and click on the prompt for yesterday’s show in the left-hand column, then follow the prompts.

I’m really excited because I’ve been wanting to read Orman’s book for awhile since many people have told me how good it is. The retail price for the print version is $24.95.

Happy reading!
Melanie

Dear Readers,

I have a new feature at the blog. You can now subscribe for free to Spit-Up On My Shoulder. As a subscriber you will only receive an email when I post a new entry. No new post, no email. Now you don’t have to remember to check back here to see what’s new. Subscribe and you’ll always get the scoop!

Click on the Subscribe message at the top of the left-hand column (sign-up is quick) and you’re on your way. Never miss a new post again!

Cheers,
Melanie