Spit-up On My Shoulder

Life’s Work: Confessions of an Unbalanced Mom came out in 2002 and I finally got around to reading it. You know how that goes when you’re a mom–there’s just not enough hours in the day. I highly recommend this book. It’s a compilation of Lisa Belkin’s personal columns from The New York Times on the intersection, really collision, of life and work.

Belkin’s search for balance led her to the conclusion that it can’t be done. The book is filled with her own stories and those of people she interviewed including a father-to-be who restructured his entire company to have more time with his new baby, and a young couple who placed a bet with a friend just to insure that they would meet for lunch twice a month.

I love this piece from the introduction to the book:

“Not a one of us seems to be able to give 100 percent of themselves to their job and 100 percent of themselves to their family and 100 percent of themselves to taking care of themselves. Small wonder. Yet we all seem to think someone (else) out there is getting it right; people who work full-time think people who work part-time are doing it, and people who work part-time are thinking people who don’t work at all are doing it, and those who left the office to tend to home think that if only they could escape back to an office, they might find sanity. But all of this misses the point. No one can do it, because it cannot be done.”

So true! So let yourself off the hook and sit down with Belkin’s book for an honest and humorous read. Another great thing: because these are pieces from Belkin’s newspaper column, each chapter is around four pages long. Perfect for a new parent who doesn’t have more than a few minutes free at a time.

This Friday, May 23, I will be a guest on New Mom Central’s Blog Talk Radio Show. I hope you will listen in or call in with questions. Here is a promo for the show from Cheryl Wenzel-Nelson, the moderator of several blogs for mom, who will be interviewing me:

New Mom Central interviews Melanie Bowden, author of Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? True Stories of New Motherhood on Blog Talk Radio. Ms. Bowden is a registered postpartum doula and a mother of two children living in Davis, California.

In addition to her book, Ms. Bowden has published a workbook called Get Your Articles Published and has been freelancing for magazines and websites since 1999. Her articles have appeared in over 100 publications including Vibrant Life, Jugglezine, Parents’ Monthly, and Writers Weekly. She also teaches magazine writing classes, coaches writers, and speaks to writing and parenting groups.

The show airs on Friday, May 23, at 9:30 a.m. PST. The topic of the show will be “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?” Ms. Bowden and I will be discussing some of the things that we wish someone would have told us before we became mothers. Ms. Bowden will also be sharing information from her interviews with other mothers about the things they wished someone would have told them when they became mothers for the first time.

One of the most difficult aspects of the transition to motherhood can be the difference between a first-time mother’s expectations of “life after birth” and the reality. Ms. Bowden and I will shed some light on the underreported and rarely talked about major life transition called “motherhood.”

Click here on Friday and then look for our show listed under “Featured Today” to learn some things that could make your transition into motherhood, especially the first three months, a little easier and even more joyful. You can call in with your own questions, or join the discussion with your own stories. The listener call-in line is (347) 945-6211.

If you can’t listen in on Friday, look for a blog post here at Spit-Up On My Shoulder afterwards with a link to the taped show.

I received a special Mother’s Day card that I wanted to share with you. It’s from MomsRising.org, an nonprofit organization that is working to bring together millions of people who share a common concern about the need to build a more family-friendly America.

Click here to view a cute card with a song that outlines what American mothers really want for Mother’s Day. After you view the card, you can click a button to send it to all the presidential candidates. They need to know that mothers are expecting a lot of family-friendly policies from whoever wins the election.

Enjoy your day tomorrow. You’ve earned it! And thank you for spreading the word about making our country friendlier for all American families.

Ever since I became a mother, I’ve struggled with keeping the house clean and not letting chores overwhelm me throughout the day. A few weeks ago the “chore issue” came to a head again as I felt I was doing WAY more than anyone else in the house.

Then I read an article in The Dollar Stretcher by a mom with five kids who found a solution. Every day her family has a 30 minute clean-up where everyone cleans like crazy for a half hour. They don’t worry about cleaning any other time of day.

Five kids and only 30 minutes of cleaning a day? Woohoo! I decided to propose the plan to my family and see how it went. Since I only have two children, we decided twenty minutes of clean-up right after dinner should do it. I’m more than happy to make the list every day of what needs to be done since I learned long ago that I’m the only one in the house who sees dirt!

I reminded my girls that this would keep me from nagging them throughout the day about chores. Each person picks which chore or chores they will do on that day’s list. This gives the kids the chance to learn how to do a variety of tasks instead of being stuck in a rut with a chore chart.

This system is working so well I can’t believe it. It’s amazing what four people can do when they all work hard for 20 minutes straight.

Since I work from home, it’s been a huge help to me during the day in managing my time. Whenever I notice a chore that needs to be done, I just put it on the list for that night’s clean-up, and get back to my writing work.

Every night I go to bed relaxed knowing my house is looking good for the next day. I’m not snapping at everyone to do things during the day, and we’re all happier. So crank up the music and set your timer for whatever of amount of time works for your family.

Even if your only child is a newborn, I can see this system working with two adults. How nice not to have chores hanging over your head all day when you’re home with your baby since you know you and your partner will get them done during that day’s clean-up time.

Do you have a household system that has been successful for your family? One that’s lowered your stress, or helped you manage your time better? I’d love to hear about it. Please drop me a line.

I’ve been taking a fascinating and eye-opening online class. The best part–it’s free! The class is Take Control of Your Career and Your Life by Marcus Buckingham and it’s through the Oprah website.

Marcus guides you through discovering your strengths and weaknesses. Once your know what they are, the goal is to build on your strengths and manage around your weaknesses. Since we’ve been taught our whole lives that we should spend more time improving on our weaknesses, I found his philosophy so refreshing.

Strengths are tasks that we love, that invigorate us, and ones where we find we lose track of time. Weaknesses are any tasks that drain you and you find difficult to concentrate on. Most people don’t like their jobs because, although they may be good at the tasks, they are doing things that drain, rather than energize, them.

Wouldn’t it be great to feel excited more of the time about your job, and I’m including parenting, instead of feeling drained? Of course, every job is going to have parts that are not energy-producing. Marcus shows how you can rework your job though, or find a new one, so you can focus on your strengths most of the time and feel invigorated about what you’re doing.

When you’re home with your baby, which tasks do you find energizing? Is there a way you can do more of those tasks and minimize or delegate the tasks that drain you? Maybe you and your partner could both take Marcus’ course, then make a family plan together that lets you both focus on your strengths whenever possible. I’m using the course to examine how I can use my strengths more in all areas of my life–work, parenting, managing my house, volunteering–and it’s been a revelation.

Your energy will increase because you’ll be doing more of what you love. What could be better than that?

Yes, it’s TV Turnoff Week. The fact that Earth Day (the 22nd) falls during TV Turnoff Week (April 21-27) is an added bonus. There are many ways turning off the TV helps the planet:

Less electricity used.

Less exposure to consumer ads which leads to unnecessary purchases that use up resources.

More time to enjoy nature.

More time to do something to save the planet like plant a tree or clean up a park.

Every year my family participates in TV Turnoff Week, and I remember how nice it is to have more time to sleep, read, exercise, and enjoy friends. Give it a try–you just might like it!

For more ideas on how your family can cut back on TV watching, check out my article, TV Turnoff Week is an opportunity to go low-tech

Have you found ways to reduce your TV time? Drop me a line so I can share them with your fellow blog readers. Thanks!

I love this list from Rick and Jan Hanson’s website, Nurture Mom, of ways dads can help mom out. Feel free to forward it to the dads in your life!

Top Ten list (in no particular order) of What Dad Can Do For Mom addressed to the father. Hopefully some of these suggestions will fit your relationship:

Take initiative with the kids – When a child has a need or a problem, dive in. For example, you be the one to tend to your child in a restaurant. If your wife offers a suggestion, take on board what’s useful in her comment, and keep diving in.

Take on a regular chore – Pick an everyday childrearing or housework task and start doing it routinely with little fanfare.

Arrange date nights – Set up the babysitting, take the lead in telling your kids that you’re going out, and be the last one out the door.

Start by joining – Try to have your opening move be one of interest, support, empathy, and what you agree with – rather than withdrawal, detached analysis, or disagreement. Imagine how you’d feel if you were she, if you had her tasks, her day, her life. Try to explore any negative feelings in her rather than step back from them or try to fix them quickly so they go away.

Ask three questions in a row – Every day, try to ask three questions in a row about her inner experience, such as: How did you feel when _______ ? Deep down, what did you really want in that situation? Can you say more about that? How was _______ related to _______ for you?

Give her a night off each week – From start to finish, handle one night a week. It’s fine to have take-out and to do things your way (as long as the effects don’t spill over onto her). If she wants to stay home and take a long bath, you’re still in charge of the kids and the housework.

Reach out to her first – A relationship is like a series of volleys in tennis, and it’s typically the woman who puts the ball in play. Instead, you be the one to call to see how her day is going. Give her a card or small present out of the blue. Be the one to say, “Hey, let’s talk.”

Stick up for her with your family and friends – Put your wife in a good light. Imagine that the conversation is being recorded and your wife will listen to it; what would her reaction be?

Communicate a vulnerable feeling or wish – Share some part of your inner experience that is soft, vulnerable, and open. If it makes you squirm a bit to imagine saying it – that’s what you ought to say!

Be affectionate without it being about sex – Besides the obvious (hugs, etc.), try little massages or back scratches, rubbing her feet, or fluffing her hair. Ask her what she likes. With words, tell her things that you like about her, why you’re fond of her. Tell her you love her. A lot.

I found a great essay by about dealing with the “sex after baby” issue. Not always, but usually, men and women are at very different places about when to resume sexual intimacy after they become parents. It can lead to conflict between you and your partner, which is the last thing you need when you’re exhausted and stressed-out already. Go here to view the essay.

In most cases your doctor will give you the green light about sex at your six-week postpartum check-up. Many moms feel like six weeks is hardly any time, but the dads are typically anxious and ready to go after what, to them, has been a long six weeks. Communication between you and your partner about what you both need, and how you can compromise, will go a long way during this time.

This is an entry from the journal I kept during and after the time I experienced postpartum depression. When I wrote this entry I was feeling better, but I still found myself needing lots of time to reflect on the experience and process what had happened. I felt haunted by it at times.

5/25/96 – 8:31 p.m.

My postpartum depression experience was incredibly horrible in retrospect. I truly thought I was losing my mind. I also was so afraid to tell anyone because I thought they would send me off to the loony bin. Especially when we went to see the counselor and she suggested either drugs or a stay at a mental hospital–although I’m sure that is what I needed.

Mental illness is so misunderstood in this country and probably everywhere. I remember having days where I thought there is just no way in hell I can keep going on. Then I would be driving to tutor or somewhere else alone and all I could think about was how I could crash the car so that I would die, but no one else would be hurt. I remember too being so angry at Mark for not seeing how much pain I was in even though I was using every ounce of energy to cover up how I felt.

Also, when we talked to the counselor she said to Mark, after I had divulged a lot about how I was feeling, that she was sure it was painful for him to hear it. I wanted to scream, “No one is in as much pain as I’m in! Why are you talking about his pain?” Even though we had been talking about my pain for the whole session up to that point. You get so twisted about how you perceive situations and the balance of something as basic as a conversation.

Even though it appears that the depression has subsided I still am doing things that frazzle me and aren’t healthy for me. I am so tired and have no immunity to getting sick.

Once you have experienced depression you never again will be unsympathetic to hearing of someone going through it. It really changed me and how I view life. I don’t think I will ever take for granted being able to feel positive emotions again. That flatness you feel with the depression is the worst thing–you don’t care about shit.

I’ll be back next week. My girls on our Spring Break and we have lots of fun plans that keep me from my computer.

See you next week. Happy Spring!