Spit-up On My Shoulder

Here’s another great article from Rick and Jan Hanson at Nurture Mom. Rick and Jan are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships.

Asking for Empathy

Q: My husband’s good at solving problems, but I wish he listened better when I want to share how I’m feeling or talk about our relationship. Is there something I could ask him to do?

A: All of us could probably get better at empathy, but men in particular tend to be raised in our society to focus on facts and solutions rather than feelings and relationships. If approached with respect (and some empathy as well), many fathers welcome a gentle suggestion about what to actually do in order to be more empathic. One dad actually asked his partner to give him a list of questions to ask her, and this is what she came up with:

Can you say more about ____________?

How mad were you? (Or worried, hurt, alarmed, sad, etc.)

What was the most upsetting part? (The most irritating? The most worrisome?)

What do you wish would have happened instead?

What do you feel underneath all that?

Did you also feel hurt (or embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, etc.)?

What does ___________ remind you of?

How does the history of __________ affect how you feel about __________?

Deep down, what is really bothering you about ___________?

From MomsRising.org:

Unlike the rest of the world, the United States doesn’t (yet!) have Paid Family and Medical Leave for all new mothers (which is paid time off after the birth of a baby). Without this kind of policy in place, situations like Selena’s, who gave birth on Thursday and was back at her desk on Monday while her newborn son remained in intensive care in the hospital, will continue to happen.

But right now, Congress is considering a bill that will fix this problem. Help build much-needed support for a strong, groundbreaking bill for all moms and families. Contact your Congressperson today!

Thank you for all that you do to support new moms.

Go here to easily send your congressperson a message of support for the Family Leave Insurance Act of 2008.

Great article in the July 2008 issue of Parenting on why moms are at risk for eating disorders. If you have body issues or perfectionistic tendencies before becoming a mother, the pressure to be the “perfect mom” can push you into an eating disorder. Like postpartum depression, it can be an illness that new moms are afraid to talk about. The more we talk about it though, the more other moms will know they are not alone and that they can feel better.

For an Eating Disorders Resource Guide, go to this link.

One thing in the print article that didn’t make it to the online addition is the following:

Warning Signs for Moms about Eating Disorders:

If you recognize yourself in some of these traits and behaviors, see a doctor. You may not have a full-blown eating disorder, but you may be at risk for developing one. And the earlier you get treatment, the better it will be for you and your family.

#1: You’re a high achiever and a perfectionist.

#2: You’re overly controlling about the way your kids play and eat.

#3: You can’t stop obsessing about food–and this interferes with how much you can enjoy your family.

#4: You have low self-esteem, putting yourself down for being “too fat,” and feel guilty for not living up to your high standards.

#5: You keep an extensive diary, complete with detailed lists of calories and fat consumed, the amount you’ve exercised, or the number of times you’ve purged.

#6: You have unusual food rituals–you shift the food around your plate to make it look as if you’ve eaten it, say–and try to avoid eating in front of your school-age kids or other adults.

#7: You’re secretive or vague about what you eat when asked.

#8: You dress in baggy clothes to hide your body.

Be well!

by Michelle Kennedy Hogan

8. A “Diaper” Bag - If you must have all the pockets and little goodies, go ahead. But if you have a tote bag in the closet (LL Bean boat totes work great! Of course, you’ll want to find them at a yard sale.) from the library or anywhere else, then just use that.

Want the changing pad? You can buy them separately or make one from one-inch foam cut to size from the fabric store and a quick pillow case cover if you hate to sew! Save the $40-$80 for your first night out alone!

9. Hooded Towel - They’re cute, but unnecessary. Need I say more? Your baby does not need animal ears on his towel to be cute. I swear, the kid will be cute enough. Just get a clean towel from the closet. He’ll get dry either way. Savings: $10-$30

10. A Vibrating Infant Seat - They’re silly and loud! If you think your baby is dying to vibrate in his infant seat (and you just want to put him down for a while), run the washing machine (full, of course) and put the seat on top of it. Just make sure you don’t leave! He could vibrate right off the top! Fold some laundry (if you’re feeling ambitious) or just read a book (a book? what’s a book?). Savings: $35 or more

There you go. Ten things you absolutely don’t need when you have a baby. I promise.

See Part 1 of this article here. Part 2 here.

Michelle Kennedy Hogan is the mother of six and the editor of
Organically Inclined. Her new book 100 Ways to Save Money Right Now is available in digital and print formats. She and her husband John homeschool their children, work from home and practice sustainable living on an organic farm in Vermont. Email her at: editor@organicallyinclined.org

Here is part 2 of Michelle Kennedy Hogan’s article on ways to save money on baby.

4. Disposable Diapers - Do you have to ask? I swear it’s not that hard! Savings $20-$30 a week ($1500 a year for at least two years)

5. Baby Wipes - Buy two dozen super soft washcloths and either a small “Rubbermaid” style container or some resealable bags. Put six to ten well-rung out wet washcloths into the container. Close it. Voila! You have baby wipes. Just toss in the diaper pail when used. Bring a plastic grocery bag on trips with you for dirty cloth diapers and wipes. Savings: $5 a week. ($260 a year)

6. Nursing Pillow - I swear that your favorite pillow from the couch works just as well. So does a rolled up towel or blanket in a pinch! Savings: $20-$50

7. Nursing Bras - They’re expensive and make you feel silly. The little clasps are a pain. Get sports bras or just plain jersey knit underwires from your favorite discount store. Saving: $20-$50 each

Part 3 next time!

Michelle Kennedy Hogan is the mother of six and the editor of
Organically Inclined. Her new book 100 Ways to Save Money Right Now is available in digital and print formats. She and her husband John homeschool their children, work from home and practice sustainable living on an organic farm in Vermont. Email her at: editor@organicallyinclined.org

I found a great article this week at The Dollar Stretcher titled 10 Baby Things You Don’t Need by Michelle Kennedy Hogan. Michelle was kind enough to give me permission to share it with all of you. It’s one of those articles I wish I had read when I was a pregnant with my first child and saved a ton of $!

Here’s the first part of the article with more to come in later postings:

10 Baby Things You Don’t Need by Michelle Kennedy Hogan
Save yourself the space and cash

When I became pregnant with my first child, I had been babysitting for a wealthy family for quite some time. They had every gadget you could possibly imagine for raising a child. They also had every glossy magazine available, detailing every shiny new gadget I would “need” in order to have my baby. I was 20 years old and a little overwhelmed by the finery. Howwould I ever afford it all? I soon learned that yard sales were the best places to find all of the gadgets I would need.

Between the sales and the baby shower, I was outfitted. I had every gadget a mother could possibly need to take care of her baby. It wasn’t until baby number two arrived a little over a year later that I realized that I needed very few of those gadgets, and I had a yard sale myself to rid myself of the clutter that was overtaking my apartment.

Save yourself the space and cash. Here is a list of 10 things you absolutely do not need in order to have a baby. There are many others, but this should get your started.

1. Baby Lotion/Baby Cleanser - I’ve received a number of bottles of these items through the years and I must admit that they do smell pretty good. However, not only does your new baby not need to smell any better (they already smell really good), but also take a look at the list of what’s in the bottle. No, it is not just baby goodness. Indeed, I can’t pronounce 90 percent of what’s in it.

Buy a nice bar of natural soap from your local co-op if baby is really that dirty, but a little warm water will do just fine for baby’s already very soft skin. Savings: $10 (plus refills)

2. Diaper Genie - OK, well, you won’t be using disposable diapers anyway, right? But if you did use disposables, this thing has got to be one of the most wasteful, ugly things on the planet. It produces what can only be described as a giant doody caterpillar when full and I have no idea what you do with it after that. Savings: $30 (plus refills)

3. Changing Table - I had one of these for my oldest, but I soon learned that I changed 99 percent of his diapers on either the floor or the couch. Instead, make yourself up a little basket with the appropriate changing needs (diaper covers, diapers, washcloths, etc.) and keep it next to the sofa. Especially in those first weeks, you spend a lot of time on the couch as most of your time is spent nursing, changing diapers, and trying to catch a nap! Forget the table. Savings: $100 (at least)

Michelle Kennedy Hogan is the mother of six and the editor of
Organically Inclined. Her new book 100 Ways to Save Money Right Now is available in digital and print formats. She and her husband John homeschool their children, work from home and practice sustainable living on an organic farm in Vermont. Email her at: editor@organicallyinclined.org

I love finding family activities that don’t strain my pocketbook. To make my job easier, there’s a great new resource. Kids Free Guide is a national directory of restaurants, hotels, ski resorts, airlines, and museums with FREE offerings for kids.

The site is searchable by city or zip code, so you can find deals in your town or use it for trip planning. You can add any locations that you may know of, as well as make comments to help other parents plan outings.

Enjoy!

Time has definitely got away from me and I’ve neglected the blog. I’m also running out of fresh ideas that make it worth a new parent’s time to visit here. I’ve written SO MUCH about new parent topics in books, magazines, here, and other places and, although I know there’s more to explore, is it the best use of my creativity right now?

I’ve been doing a lot of contemplating/meditating on where to focus my creative energy. I don’t want to post just to post. I want to have compelling information or insights to share that make it worth your while to visit Spit-Up On My Shoulder. I’ve had so much to share in the past and am extremely proud of this blog, but am finding myself straining to maintain momentum the last few months.

I read a quote by Julie Morgenstern recently about the need to unload the past for the sake of the future. I’ve been questioning if I need to let go of the blog to free my energy up for other creative pursuits. I still haven’t made a decision. I won’t post here though unless I feel what I have to say will help make your life better in some way. We’ll see what happens.

An important message from MomsRising.org about car seats:

“I think back to all the times when my baby was teething or gnawing on the side of her car seat, and my heart sinks wondering about what her tiny body ingested.” –Bobbi (mother of a one year-old)

Can you believe it? A recent study conducted by the watchdog group, Friends of the Earth, found that 56% of infant carriers, 44% of car seats, and 40% of the strollers they tested had dangerous levels of toxic fire retardant chemicals.

This is downright scary–and is yet another toxic exposure on a long list of children’s products with toxic chemicals to come out lately. We have to turn this tide.

The good news: Graco, the giant manufacturer of children’s products, responded to the Friends of the Earth report the day it was published. Graco says they want to do the right thing, but they haven’t yet committed to removing these chemicals from their products. If Graco gets rid of these chemicals, other baby product manufacturers will be under enormous pressure to follow suit.

*Ask Graco, and other manufacturers of children’s products, to not use any more halogenated fire retardants - period! Go to this link to sign a petition: http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/1768/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=1230

Haloge-what? Halogenated flame retardants have been shown to cause serious health disorders including endocrine disruption, cancer, birth defects and a host of reproductive and neurological disorders in developing fetuses and offspring in animals.

Forward this note to your family, friends, and community so we can all let Graco, and other manufacturers, know that nobody wants toxics near their kids. When consumers speak, companies listen.

Life’s Work: Confessions of an Unbalanced Mom came out in 2002 and I finally got around to reading it. You know how that goes when you’re a mom–there’s just not enough hours in the day. I highly recommend this book. It’s a compilation of Lisa Belkin’s personal columns from The New York Times on the intersection, really collision, of life and work.

Belkin’s search for balance led her to the conclusion that it can’t be done. The book is filled with her own stories and those of people she interviewed including a father-to-be who restructured his entire company to have more time with his new baby, and a young couple who placed a bet with a friend just to insure that they would meet for lunch twice a month.

I love this piece from the introduction to the book:

“Not a one of us seems to be able to give 100 percent of themselves to their job and 100 percent of themselves to their family and 100 percent of themselves to taking care of themselves. Small wonder. Yet we all seem to think someone (else) out there is getting it right; people who work full-time think people who work part-time are doing it, and people who work part-time are thinking people who don’t work at all are doing it, and those who left the office to tend to home think that if only they could escape back to an office, they might find sanity. But all of this misses the point. No one can do it, because it cannot be done.”

So true! So let yourself off the hook and sit down with Belkin’s book for an honest and humorous read. Another great thing: because these are pieces from Belkin’s newspaper column, each chapter is around four pages long. Perfect for a new parent who doesn’t have more than a few minutes free at a time.