Melanie

Swimming Upstream

“When I think back to my own mom, she always seemed so on top of things. I feel dismayed and guilty that I’m not handling things as well and feel a lot more frazzled than she seemed to be.”

We’ve heard this comment from many mothers, and it’s both poignant and sadly unfair to the women who feel this way, since times have changed so dramatically. In response, we’d like to offer this excerpt from our book Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Jan Hanson, Lac., Ricki Pollycove, M.D.

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Let’s step back for a minute and look at how we got here. During more than 99% of the time that humans (or our close ancestors) have lived on this planet, mothers raised families in small groups of hunter-gatherers. If you had been among them, your life would have moved at the speed of a walk while you provided for your needs and fulfilled your ambitions with a child on your hip or nearby. You would have eaten fresh and organic foods saturated in micro-nutrients and breathed air and drunk water free of artificial chemicals.

Most important of all, you would have spent much of your day with other mothers, surrounded by a supportive community of relatives, friends, and neighbors. These are the conditions to which your body and mind are adapted for raising children.

Unfortunately, while the essential activities of mothering–pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, worrying and planning and loving with all your heart–have not altered one bit, our world has changed profoundly, and evolution hasn’t had time to catch up. You and we are genetically identical to the first modern humans of 200,000 years ago, and nearly identical to our earliest tool-using ancestors, who lived over two million years ago.

Nonetheless, at odds with this basic genetic blueprint, most mothers today must rush about stressfully, constantly juggling and multi-tasking. Few modern jobs can be done with young children around, so working means spending much of the day separated from your kids and the stresses of the unnatural schedule and pace they must then handle affect them in ways that naturally spill over onto you.

Compared to our ancestors, most of us eat much fewer vegetables and whole foods, and much more white flour, sugar, and artificial chemicals, and we can’t help absorbing some of the billions of pounds of toxins released into the environment each year, which even leave traces in breast milk. The so-called village it takes to raise a child usually looks more like a ghost town, so you have to rely more on your mate than did mothers in times past, but he, too, is strained by the unprecedented busyness and intensity of modern life.

If you feel like you’re swimming upstream, it’s because raising children was not meant to be this way. Many of the problems that seem purely personal or marital actually start on the other side of your front door.

Of course, the world is not going to change back to the time of the hunter-gatherers (and we’d miss refrigerators and telephones too much if it did!). And those times certainly had their own difficulties, such as famine or disease. But, like every mother, you can’t help but feel the impact of the whirlwind we’re all living in. Just how you’re affected is as individual as a baby’s footprint.

Some mothers are fortunate to have low demands, substantial resources, and low vulnerabilities. All too often, however, the demands are high, resources are low, and resilience gets worn down: a mother’s “cupboard” gets emptied out and shaken and it’s an uphill struggle to get anything back in. No wonder that, over time, some signs of wear begin to show.

That’s why we think it’s so important you and every mother to take active steps to lower her stresses and increase her resources: that’s mother nurture.

The site is searchable by city or zip code, so you can find deals in your town or use it for trip planning. You can add any locations that you may know of, as well as make comments to help other parents plan outings.

Enjoy!

Belkin’s search for balance led her to the conclusion that it can’t be done. The book is filled with her own stories and those of people she interviewed including a father-to-be who restructured his entire company to have more time with his new baby, and a young couple who placed a bet with a friend just to insure that they would meet for lunch twice a month.

I love this piece from the introduction to the book:

“Not a one of us seems to be able to give 100 percent of themselves to their job and 100 percent of themselves to their family and 100 percent of themselves to taking care of themselves. Small wonder. Yet we all seem to think someone (else) out there is getting it right; people who work full-time think people who work part-time are doing it, and people who work part-time are thinking people who don’t work at all are doing it, and those who left the office to tend to home think that if only they could escape back to an office, they might find sanity. But all of this misses the point. No one can do it, because it cannot be done.”

So true! So let yourself off the hook and sit down with Belkin’s book for an honest and humorous read. Another great thing: because these are pieces from Belkin’s newspaper column, each chapter is around four pages long. Perfect for a new parent who doesn’t have more than a few minutes free at a time.

Then I read an article in The Dollar Stretcher by a mom with five kids who found a solution. Every day her family has a 30 minute clean-up where everyone cleans like crazy for a half hour. They don’t worry about cleaning any other time of day.

Five kids and only 30 minutes of cleaning a day? Woohoo! I decided to propose the plan to my family and see how it went. Since I only have two children, we decided twenty minutes of clean-up right after dinner should do it. I’m more than happy to make the list every day of what needs to be done since I learned long ago that I’m the only one in the house who sees dirt!

I reminded my girls that this would keep me from nagging them throughout the day about chores. Each person picks which chore or chores they will do on that day’s list. This gives the kids the chance to learn how to do a variety of tasks instead of being stuck in a rut with a chore chart.

This system is working so well I can’t believe it. It’s amazing what four people can do when they all work hard for 20 minutes straight.

Since I work from home, it’s been a huge help to me during the day in managing my time. Whenever I notice a chore that needs to be done, I just put it on the list for that night’s clean-up, and get back to my writing work.

Every night I go to bed relaxed knowing my house is looking good for the next day. I’m not snapping at everyone to do things during the day, and we’re all happier. So crank up the music and set your timer for whatever of amount of time works for your family.

Even if your only child is a newborn, I can see this system working with two adults. How nice not to have chores hanging over your head all day when you’re home with your baby since you know you and your partner will get them done during that day’s clean-up time.

Do you have a household system that has been successful for your family? One that’s lowered your stress, or helped you manage your time better? I’d love to hear about it. Please drop me a line.

Less electricity used.

Less exposure to consumer ads which leads to unnecessary purchases that use up resources.

More time to enjoy nature.

More time to do something to save the planet like plant a tree or clean up a park.

Every year my family participates in TV Turnoff Week, and I remember how nice it is to have more time to sleep, read, exercise, and enjoy friends. Give it a try–you just might like it!

For more ideas on how your family can cut back on TV watching, check out my article, TV Turnoff Week is an opportunity to go low-tech

Have you found ways to reduce your TV time? Drop me a line so I can share them with your fellow blog readers. Thanks!

I loved so many parts of the seven things on Kim’s list. She’s very honest about those early months of motherhood and, for those of you who have already given birth, you’ll recognize yourself when she describes the chaos and stress that can come with a newborn in the house. I hope some of her ideas will help you get more rest and lower your anxiety level.

I also love that she mentions skipping. I wrote an article about skipping for adults years ago. You can learn more about skipping here. You can’t help but smile when you skip, and it burns more calories than running! Try skipping for a block and you’ll see why.

I started reading Ten Zen Seconds five days ago and I can’t believe how many times I’ve referred to its simple-to-use techniques since then. Although I’ve admired Eric’s work for years, I was skeptical at first. To think I could calm myself and find the motivation to tackle work tasks in 10 seconds seemed impossible. But this stuff really works. I even had a dream last night where I was in an anxiety-producing situation and I used Ten Zen Seconds to calm myself. Too funny!

The book teaches you how a deep 10 second breath along with an incantation can bring you purpose, power, and calm. Some of the times I used the techniques this week were when I had to deal with a difficult student, get myself ready to tackle a work task I had been procrastinating on, and stay calm when my daughters were snapping at each other. All in all, my week was much more peaceful and productive than usual.

Eric and I will be talking about how new moms can use Ten Zen Second’s incantations in situations that occur during the postpartum year. I hope you find it as useful as I have. I wish I had known these techniques years ago to help lower my stress, particularly when I was a new mother.

Eric’s visit to Spit-Up On My Shoulder is part of a larger blog tour that has been going on for over a month. Check out the whole tour here.

More to come!

Here are some ideas to get you started and keep you motivated past the 29th:

1) LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE

Sit down with your family and make a list of what you would rather do than watch TV (computer and video games not allowed.) Julie Morgenstern, author of Time Management From The Inside Out, suggests you ask, What are our goals as a family and what activities fit into those goals?

The TV-Turnoff Network website provides numerous media-free ideas like looking at the stars, ice skating, or going to a bookstore.

2) KEEP A TV JOURNAL

For a week track how much TV your family watches. During that week, “experiment in total focus when you watch a show,” advises Morgenstern. “Only talk during the commercials and after the show talk about what you just watched … Maybe watching together does fit into a family goal, but, if it doesn’t, consider eliminating that show from your day.”

3) MAKE A SCHEDULE

Before planning a TV schedule, “both parents have to agree to set limits and then they have to be very clear about enforcing the limits,” says Lisa Cohn, co-author of One Family, Two Family, New Family: Stories and Advice for Stepfamilies.

Laura Stodden Parker and her husband use a schedule with their three-year-old daughter. “We have a set time and program we watch from 7-7:30 p.m. By 6:30, our daughter has finished her dinner and played a little bit. The set TV time provides incentive for her to get her bath finished, hair dried, and pj’s on … If she isn’t ready in time, she misses part of her show.”

4) DON’T CHANNEL SURF

“We have Dish Network and record most of the programs we watch,” says Sarah Solari, a mother of four. “Ultimately that means that we do virtually no channel surfing … I feel better about the time spent because it feels more like an intentional activity and less like time wasted just zoning out.”

5) USE SOMETHING BESIDES TV FOR BACKGROUND NOISE

Some families turn on the TV in the morning and it ends up staying on most of the day. Instead, “if you need background noise, use music instead of the TV,” says Mary Byers, author of The Mother Load. While the music is on, why not dance while holding your baby in your arms?

6) PUT OFF TURNING IT ON FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE

Michelle Espy, an at-home mother of four which includes a three-year-old and 18 month old twins, says, “The ONLY way for me to get anything done during the day is to let my (three-year-old) daughter watch TV or a video while the babies nap. If we put it off until the afternoon, then she watches much less TV … It is just much easier to leave the TV off, than to turn it off once it has been turned on.”

7) REMOVE TVS FROM CHILDREN’S BEDROOMS

Since, on average, children with a TV in their bedroom watch over two hours more per week than other children, keeping TVs out of the kids’ rooms is a good idea.

MAKE IT HARD TO BE A COUCH POTATOE

Frank Vespe, executive director of the TV-Turnoff Network, advises you “make TV watching harder. Put the TV in a hidden place, like a cabinet, or somewhere out of the main family room (except the kids’ bedrooms, see item 7) so your children will forget it’s there. Also, take the batteries out of the remote control so channel changing must be done manually.”

Whatever room the TV is in, don’t arrange the furniture for watching. Instead “have an area for games or a comfortable chair with good lighting next to a shelf of your child’s books,” advises Stacy DeBroff, author of The Mom Book Goes To School.

9) GAMBLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN

When my husband, Mark, was 11, his mother bet him and his brother $5 each that they couldn’t cut back to an hour a day of television for a week. “By the end of the week we were surprised at how much we had watched just out of habit,” Mark says. “Her offering the payment, rather than ordering us to watch less, made us more receptive to the experience. We continued to watch considerably less TV afterwards.”

10) CUT BACK OR ELIMINATE CABLE ACCESS

Fewer choices means fewer reasons to hit the ON button. “Initially, we made the no-cable choice because we are on one income,” says Kathy Barnes, a mother of two. “But, we found other benefits: time for reading, scrapbooking, or even talking to each other! We don’t have rabbit ears so we don’t get any channels on our TV. We only watch videos or DVDs. That way we, as parents, can monitor exactly what our children watch and for how long.”

Adds Barnes, “When we are visiting friends or grandparents or staying at hotels with multi-channel TV, our family is dazzled by the options. The kids will beg for a normal TV. Briefly, the no-cable decision is reconsidered. That is until a Carl’s Jr. commercial comes on.”

The solution- Special Toys. Special toys are toys you only bring out for your toddler to play with when you are going to nurse or bottlefeed. With practice, your toddler will start to look forward to their new sibling’s feeding times since it’s their chance to play with the special toys. You might even give them a box to decorate for these toys.

Give it a try! I’d love to hear how it works for you as I always appreciate your feedback.

Often when I talk to pregnant women, I’ll find they have grand ideas for what they are going to accomplish in the months after their baby is born. They plan on catching up on years of photo albums, redecorating rooms, organizing garages, moving to a new home even, and the list goes on. I’ll tell them that they may not have the time for those things with a new baby in tow. Then they’ll respond, “But babies sleep all the time. Won’t I be able to get a lot done?”

Those of us who have had babies know the shock of discovering that a little human being can suck up all your time and energy. So, please, don’t plan on any big projects or life changes soon after becoming a mom. Eleanor, a woman profiled in my book, received some great advice from her own mother. Her mom said, “Don’t expect to get anything done the first three months. Then, anything you do get done, you can feel good about yourself.”

Jennifer, another woman in Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?, closed escrow on a house two days before giving birth. She and her family moved to the new house when her baby was only seven weeks old. She says, “All the packing and unpacking would have taken half the time without a baby. My husband and I both had an insane level of fatigue during the move…It’s amazing how time-consuming it is to have a new baby. I would definitely never make a move so close to the birth of a child again.”

Plus, who wants all of that pressure to complete projects when it’s more fun to spend the time falling in love with your baby?