Asking for Empathy

Q: My husband’s good at solving problems, but I wish he listened better when I want to share how I’m feeling or talk about our relationship. Is there something I could ask him to do?

A: All of us could probably get better at empathy, but men in particular tend to be raised in our society to focus on facts and solutions rather than feelings and relationships. If approached with respect (and some empathy as well), many fathers welcome a gentle suggestion about what to actually do in order to be more empathic. One dad actually asked his partner to give him a list of questions to ask her, and this is what she came up with:

Can you say more about ____________?

How mad were you? (Or worried, hurt, alarmed, sad, etc.)

What was the most upsetting part? (The most irritating? The most worrisome?)

What do you wish would have happened instead?

What do you feel underneath all that?

Did you also feel hurt (or embarrassed, ashamed, helpless, etc.)?

What does ___________ remind you of?

How does the history of __________ affect how you feel about __________?

Deep down, what is really bothering you about ___________?

Top Ten list (in no particular order) of What Dad Can Do For Mom addressed to the father. Hopefully some of these suggestions will fit your relationship:

Take initiative with the kids – When a child has a need or a problem, dive in. For example, you be the one to tend to your child in a restaurant. If your wife offers a suggestion, take on board what’s useful in her comment, and keep diving in.

Take on a regular chore – Pick an everyday childrearing or housework task and start doing it routinely with little fanfare.

Arrange date nights – Set up the babysitting, take the lead in telling your kids that you’re going out, and be the last one out the door.

Start by joining – Try to have your opening move be one of interest, support, empathy, and what you agree with – rather than withdrawal, detached analysis, or disagreement. Imagine how you’d feel if you were she, if you had her tasks, her day, her life. Try to explore any negative feelings in her rather than step back from them or try to fix them quickly so they go away.

Ask three questions in a row – Every day, try to ask three questions in a row about her inner experience, such as: How did you feel when _______ ? Deep down, what did you really want in that situation? Can you say more about that? How was _______ related to _______ for you?

Give her a night off each week – From start to finish, handle one night a week. It’s fine to have take-out and to do things your way (as long as the effects don’t spill over onto her). If she wants to stay home and take a long bath, you’re still in charge of the kids and the housework.

Reach out to her first – A relationship is like a series of volleys in tennis, and it’s typically the woman who puts the ball in play. Instead, you be the one to call to see how her day is going. Give her a card or small present out of the blue. Be the one to say, “Hey, let’s talk.”

Stick up for her with your family and friends – Put your wife in a good light. Imagine that the conversation is being recorded and your wife will listen to it; what would her reaction be?

Communicate a vulnerable feeling or wish – Share some part of your inner experience that is soft, vulnerable, and open. If it makes you squirm a bit to imagine saying it – that’s what you ought to say!

Be affectionate without it being about sex – Besides the obvious (hugs, etc.), try little massages or back scratches, rubbing her feet, or fluffing her hair. Ask her what she likes. With words, tell her things that you like about her, why you’re fond of her. Tell her you love her. A lot.

In most cases your doctor will give you the green light about sex at your six-week postpartum check-up. Many moms feel like six weeks is hardly any time, but the dads are typically anxious and ready to go after what, to them, has been a long six weeks. Communication between you and your partner about what you both need, and how you can compromise, will go a long way during this time.

Have you found that you and your partner fight more since becoming parents? Join the club! Exhaustion, the stress of being on-call 24 hours a day, teething, colds, breastfeeding struggles, and so many other events that strain a marriage can happen when you welcome a child into your lives. Below find Rick and Jan’s response to a reader’s cry for help about how to reduce the arguments in her home.

Q: I’m sick of fighting! Enrico and I love each other, but wow do we argue, especially since having children. Help!

A: No doubt about it, marital squabbles and even ugly fights usually increase after children come along. The causes are painfully familiar to us all: sleep deprivation, little time for oneself, feeling let down, vicious cycles of finger-pointing, the in-laws, etc. etc. We certainly fought more frequently and intensely after having kids than ever before.

To solve these problems–and maintain an intact family in which to raise precious children–we’ve found five key methods. They’re not glib, they’re not a TV sound bite, but they’re the real deal. Try them yourself and see if you can get your spouse to go along.

Here they are:

• Personal Well-Being – By taking better care of yourself, you’ll be able to take better care of your partner, and have a cooler, clearer head in quarrels. This means really doing the fundamentals: protein with every meal, good vitamin supplements (please see our book if you have any questions), making sleep an extremely high priority, personal stress relief practices, and the support of good friends and family.

• The 80-20 Rule – Put 80% of your energy into how you can be a better mate, and just 20% on how he/she could be less of a jerk. You have little power to change your partner, but great power to change yourself. Take maximum personal responsibility for whatever is true in your partner’s complaints, and then unilaterally make appropriate changes. That will make you feel good about yourself, give you the best odds of getting better behavior from your mate, and put you on the high moral ground.

• Empathy – Try to get inside your partner’s skin, sensing the being behind the words, and ask firmly for the same. Isn’t that why you married each other, that you felt deeply known and listened to? Being empathic doesn’t mean you agree or approve or let someone off the hook, just that you understand. And when you understand, you’re more able to address what’s really at stake for the other person. And when you feel understood, you’re more willing to get to the heart of the matter and make peace.

• Solutions Focus – Go after what would make things better from now on rather than argue about the past. Be honest with yourself: what are you up to, making a case for why you’re right, or making things better in your relationship? Pick a topic and stick with it without jumping around. Then make realistic agreements, keep them, and move on.

• Loving At Will – Life is hard for all of us, and we all suffer in a variety of ways, so each of us is called to bring compassion and lovingkindness to other people–even the person we’re married to! This both makes us quietly happy and helps the world be a better place. While love may not be at the top of your list in the midst of a nutty day, any one of us can use the will to reach down inside and pull up a little love. Giving it ennobles us, lifts our own heart, brings dignity and self-respect, and often kindles a fire of love in return.

NIGHTUS INTERRUPTUS

No matter how old your kids are, every so often you will still get slammed with a sleepless night. Invariably these nights are the result of you having some fun. If your children are anything like mine they live by the motto, “If Mommy and Daddy have a good time, they must suffer the consequences and suffer dearly.”

Yes, folks, those carefree partying days are long gone. Don’t even kid yourself otherwise. Just when you think it’s safe, and especially when you are really counting on sleep that night–well, that’s every night–circumstances beyond your control will leave you a bleary-eyed mess the next day. Here’s my most recent encounter with one of those nights that remind you how difficult sleep deprivation is and get you to be more vigilant about birth control for awhile.

My children are 5 and 2 1/2. You’d think I’m in the clear and can count on a good night’s sleep, but think again. Recently our family went with two other families to ride a train and then have dinner. My two-year-old, who normally naps every day, would not take a nap the afternoon before the train ride. Not a good thing but, as we all know, you can’t make a kid sleep–the stubborn little boogers! By the time we arrived home it was an hour past the kids’ regular bedtime. They both were so tired I figured they would pass out for the night. What a surprise, my two year old had other plans.

Starting at 10:30 she began waking up every half hour and crying that frustrating, “I’m overtired so no one else gets to sleep either,” cry. Due to several glasses of wine at dinner, neither my husband or I thought of giving her Children’s Tylenol until about 1 a.m. After the Tylenol, and what felt like hours of her rustling around, she seemed to calm down to go to sleep and all was quiet. O.K., I thought, if I fall asleep right now I’ll get a good five hours of sleep. Well, the alcohol I had imbibed in had other ideas. Finally, around 2:00, I fell asleep.

Suddenly I was jolted awake by a loud gagging/clicking sound. The cat is throwing up in the hall! Is it just my cat or do all cats make a really weird sound when they barf? Of course, my husband doesn’t wake up. I drag myself out of bed, clean up the lovely mess, and throw the cat outside. Your cat illness sympathy level is at it’s lowest point at 3 a.m. and my cat tends to time his pukes accordingly. I get back in bed, but that darn alcohol and rich food combination keeps me tossing and turning again. It takes a long time for me to fall back asleep.

I’m having my first contact of the night with REMs when I’m pulled out of my dream by a warm and sticky feeling. If you are a male, you may want to skip down to the next paragraph. Unfortunately, my period has started and, not to get too graphic, I need to get up and change my pajamas. Words can not explain how crazed I feel at this point. I am plagued with fears. I’m afraid to look at the clock, afraid of what’s going to happen next, and afraid of what a lunatic mother I’m going to be with my kids all day. I also loathe men–they who sleep through cats barfing and don’t menstruate.

As I lay there seething, I realize I don’t even have the energy to seethe properly. I painfully turn my head to look at the clock and see that it’s only half an hour until the alarm will go off. I surrender and slowly pull myself up and go to the kitchen to put on the water for coffee. Oooh, we’re going to have a fun day today, kiddies! Nothing like an exhausted parent who’s overdosing on caffeine.

I think the mix of parenting and sleepless nights are part of what Charles Darwin meant by survival of the fittest. Only those who can go without sleep have lasted to perpetuate our species. Who knew being among the fittest was so tiring?

So, whatever the ages of your children, go ahead and plan those fun evenings out. Just don’t count on doing much more than surviving through the next day. Darwin would be proud of you.

When I first saw the book in a bookstore years ago, it felt like it was leaping off the shelf, begging me to read it. I wasn’t disappointed. Melissa’s book is one that I return to again and again when I’m struggling with mothering issues.

No matter how old your children are, you may find the exercises helpful. Try one or try them all!

Journaling is a great release for me and was particularly helpful when I was experiencing postpartum depression. I hope that you can also find comfort expressing yourself through writing.

JOURNALING EXERCISES FOR MOTHERS

1) Write about what the word “spirituality” means for you. If mothering is to be a spiritual path for you, what does that mean in your life and words? What is your vision of mothering as a spiritual path? How does the darker side, the “underbelly” of mothering (the inevitable griefs, fears, guilts, despairs, angers), fit into your vision?

2) What most gets in your way of practicing mothering as a spiritual path and as a doorway into wholeness? What can you do about this?

3) Make a list of the ten things that disturb you the most about being a mother (for instance, “I don’t have enough time for myself,” “I’m afraid my child will die,” “I’m afraid I will hurt my child somehow”). Pick one of the items on your list and write about it for twenty minutes from that place in yourself that feels it. Ask your inner censor to take a brief break, and then let the part of yourself that you picked write as honestly and unobstructedly as possible.

4) Write about a painful incident concerning yourself and your child in the past. If you hadn’t already decided the experience was painful, how else might you have seen it? From your vantage point of the present, what did you learn from it? What in it can you now be grateful for?

5) How have this culture, your childhood religion, and your own mother, grandmothers, and aunts influenced, for better and for worse, the way you now are as a mother? What images, ideas, and ideals might you need to let go of in order to deepen your practice of mothering with an open heart?

6) What about being a mother are you thankful for?

7) What is it that you most need to let go of in order to enter more fully into being an alive, open mother with your child? What to let go of will be different for every mother. For one mother it might mean letting go of being rigid about certain things with her child; for another mother it might mean the opposite, letting go of giving in to her child in certain situations.

Brutally honest moms telling it like it is about parenting, marriage, fantasies – you name it! Here are some posts to get you started:

“My kids had honey buns and juice for dinner last night. And I don’t feel a bit bad about it. They were happy, and so was I.”

“I just want to lock myself in my room and cry-but mommies are not allowed to do that.”

“If my husband gains anymore weight, I’m outta here!”

“I hope Hurricane Dean hits our area, I need to evacuate, I NEED a VACATION!”

2 Warnings:

• The site is definitely not G-rated and

• It’s also highly addictive

Other true confession sites include: Office Confessions, Dad Confessions, and Bride Confessions.

Enjoy and don’t spend a second feeling guilty about it.

Here is some information about a recent survey on new moms and date nights, along with tips for staying connected from parenting guru, Stacey DeBroff. Follow her tips and get out there!

A nationwide survey of 1,000 moms of children 24 months and under, conducted by CVS/pharmacy for its new Playskool Baby Care line, revealed that 83% of new moms spend less time going out with their husband/partner now than before having a child. It’s also the pastime they miss the most.

Stacy DeBroff, founder of MomCentral.com, offers moms these helpful ideas on spending more time with their spouses:

• Write “date night” in pen on the calendar, and treat it almost like a doctor’s appointment, that is, something that is not changeable.

• When you do go out, don’t go to a movie or someplace else where there is no opportunity for conversation – work out together side by side at the gym or walk around a museum, and then go to dinner.

• Limit conversation about the kids to the first 15 minutes, then make it off limits for the rest of the evening.

• There’s nothing like picking up a new hobby together, especially if both partners are learning it at the same time — it means no one is the expert. Taking classes together can become real bonding time.

• Try sneaking away for an occasional lunch together. A lunch date is a great way to reconnect and escape the drudgery of everyday details.

• Twice a year, schedule a getaway weekend, even it means scrambling to find family members or others to watch the children.

• If you can’t get out, make a point of planning a once-a-week dinner together at home after the kids are asleep.

• Often we’re so busy running around that we forget the power of the written word. Taking the time to write a card or draft an email reminding the other person of the top five reasons you love them is a fabulous connector.

Do you have other suggestions about finding time for date nights? Send them to me by clicking the Contact Melanie button under my picture and I’ll put them in a future post.

Another idea is to form a babysitting cooperative. Find other families you’d trust to watch your kids, and trade off babysitting all the children while one couple goes out.

I just finished teaching math at a local community college for the semester. It sure feels good to turn in my final grades.

I now will be focusing more energy on writing projects because I’ve decided not to teach math in the summer or fall. I’m looking forward to having more time to write, connect with my readers, teach writing classes, and do consulting work.

Do you belong to a book club that discusses nonfiction? If your club would like to read Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? True Stories of New Motherhood, I would be happy to participate in your club’s meeting about the book.

Have you ever read a book and then wished you could talk to the author about it? Maybe you’d like to know why I chose to write the book the way I did, or how I picked the women to profile. I welcome the chance to answer your questions. This is going to be a lot of fun.

If you’re not in a book club, then maybe you’re in a new parents’ group, playgroup, or other group that would enjoy discussing Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? I’m so excited to meet you all and to hear what you have to say.

I live in Davis, California – near Sacramento. If it’s geographically feasible, I would be happy to come in person to your book club meeting. If you’re not in the area, I can also participate over the phone (I will pay for the phone charges) or by email.

Interested? Send me a message by clicking the Contact Melanie button under my photo.

I feel the same way when I’m able to help a new mother navigate the ups and downs of the postpartum months. I saw a woman recently who had bought my book for a new mom friend. She was concerned because her friend seemed sad, but wasn’t talking about it. She told me, “Your book opened the flood gates! We talked and talked about what she was going through.”

I can’t even put into words how much it means to me that my book touched that new mother. I’m getting tears in my eyes just thinking about it because that’s all I ever wanted in writing the book – to help new moms.

Back to speaking engagemements. If you’d like me to speak to your group about writing and/or new mom issues, please drop me a line by leaving a comment here at the blog or pressing the Contact Melanie button under my picture at the left. I love to hear from my blog readers and, even more, getting to meet them.