Melanie

Swimming Upstream

“When I think back to my own mom, she always seemed so on top of things. I feel dismayed and guilty that I’m not handling things as well and feel a lot more frazzled than she seemed to be.”

We’ve heard this comment from many mothers, and it’s both poignant and sadly unfair to the women who feel this way, since times have changed so dramatically. In response, we’d like to offer this excerpt from our book Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships by Rick Hanson, Ph.D., Jan Hanson, Lac., Ricki Pollycove, M.D.

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Let’s step back for a minute and look at how we got here. During more than 99% of the time that humans (or our close ancestors) have lived on this planet, mothers raised families in small groups of hunter-gatherers. If you had been among them, your life would have moved at the speed of a walk while you provided for your needs and fulfilled your ambitions with a child on your hip or nearby. You would have eaten fresh and organic foods saturated in micro-nutrients and breathed air and drunk water free of artificial chemicals.

Most important of all, you would have spent much of your day with other mothers, surrounded by a supportive community of relatives, friends, and neighbors. These are the conditions to which your body and mind are adapted for raising children.

Unfortunately, while the essential activities of mothering–pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, worrying and planning and loving with all your heart–have not altered one bit, our world has changed profoundly, and evolution hasn’t had time to catch up. You and we are genetically identical to the first modern humans of 200,000 years ago, and nearly identical to our earliest tool-using ancestors, who lived over two million years ago.

Nonetheless, at odds with this basic genetic blueprint, most mothers today must rush about stressfully, constantly juggling and multi-tasking. Few modern jobs can be done with young children around, so working means spending much of the day separated from your kids and the stresses of the unnatural schedule and pace they must then handle affect them in ways that naturally spill over onto you.

Compared to our ancestors, most of us eat much fewer vegetables and whole foods, and much more white flour, sugar, and artificial chemicals, and we can’t help absorbing some of the billions of pounds of toxins released into the environment each year, which even leave traces in breast milk. The so-called village it takes to raise a child usually looks more like a ghost town, so you have to rely more on your mate than did mothers in times past, but he, too, is strained by the unprecedented busyness and intensity of modern life.

If you feel like you’re swimming upstream, it’s because raising children was not meant to be this way. Many of the problems that seem purely personal or marital actually start on the other side of your front door.

Of course, the world is not going to change back to the time of the hunter-gatherers (and we’d miss refrigerators and telephones too much if it did!). And those times certainly had their own difficulties, such as famine or disease. But, like every mother, you can’t help but feel the impact of the whirlwind we’re all living in. Just how you’re affected is as individual as a baby’s footprint.

Some mothers are fortunate to have low demands, substantial resources, and low vulnerabilities. All too often, however, the demands are high, resources are low, and resilience gets worn down: a mother’s “cupboard” gets emptied out and shaken and it’s an uphill struggle to get anything back in. No wonder that, over time, some signs of wear begin to show.

That’s why we think it’s so important you and every mother to take active steps to lower her stresses and increase her resources: that’s mother nurture.

Carrie also has a newsletter for moms called Motherhood Muse. Go to this link to sign up for a free subscription.

Here are some of my favorites from the 92 tips:

21. Bathroom time – When you have a baby, you are vigilant about her all the time. You take her in the bathroom with you while you shower. The bathroom door is always open and privacy is a thing of the past. I want to suggest that you teach your kids early on that your time in the bathroom belongs to you. This is not to protect your modesty, but to protect your sanity. This does not mean that you should ignore problems or be completely unavailable, but it does mean that you might get 10 minutes to yourself without being interrupted for snack requests and announcements about the letter of the day.

76. Be honest about your feelings – What is really going on inside your heart and head? Are you living the best life you can? Are you happy? What needs to change? Take time to check-in with yourself and figure out how you feel. Without taking the time to do this we are all in danger of becoming a little “Stepford Wife-ish.” That is to say we may all become robot mamas who continue to say that everything is “fine” when things are most definitely not fine. Stay connected to how you feel. It informs you. If you are angry most of the time, or sad, or numb, it is a clue that something needs to change. Use your emotions to guide you (but not rule you.) When emotion and intellect are used together you become wise.

Enjoy the list and stay sane.

It’s common for a mom to be lying awake in bed while her baby or toddler is snoozing blissfully. Unfortunately, low quantity and poor quality (= depth) of sleep erode a mother’s health and well-being, and give her a strong shove down the slippery slope toward depression.

Getting plenty of good sleep is a crucial aspect of replenishing oneself and preventing depletion. Happily, there are plenty of good methods:

• Try to reduce caffeine overall, eat dinner early, avoid late night chocolate (it contains a caffeine-like substance), and restrict alchohol (which relaxes you at first but then can keep you awake).

• Do everything possible to lower stress. Cortisol hormone normally rises in the morning to prepare you for the activities of the day, but, with too much stress, this hormone will kick into gear extra early, waking you at three or four a.m. (You can also test cortisol pretty inexpensively to see if this is happening to you.)

• In the hour before bedtime, do relaxing activities like listening to music, meditating, doing yoga, taking a bath, singing to your baby, etc. Avoid arguments with your children or mate.

• If your mind is worrying or obsessing, try writing down your concerns and promising yourself you’ll do what’s possible to deal with them in the morning. Or extend compassion toward yourself or toward the people you are worrying about.

• Relax your body by imagining your hands are very warm, progressively relaxing each part of your body, or imagining you are in a very peaceful setting.

• Make sure you are getting enough magnesium and calcium, both of which are needed for sleep. The Daily Value (DV) of them is 320 milligrams (mg) and 1000 mg, respectively. You could try a slightly higher dose, 500 and 1200 mg respectively.

Mother Nurture is: Rick Hanson, a clinical psychologist, and Jan Hanson, an acupuncturist/nutritionist. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships. You can email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com. Unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.

Since it is estimated that more than 40 percent of pregnant women report having depressive symptoms, the importance of diagnosis and treatment for depressed pregnant women is vital. Pre-term delivery is the leading cause of infant illness and death.

“Depression during pregnancy needs to be paid attention to and brought to the forefront of prenatal care,” study author, De-Kun Li says, “but the treatment doesn’t have to be medication. The safety of antidepressants during pregnancy is still an unsettled question. For minor [depression], all they probably need is to be getting emotional and physical support from their spouse and family.”

Wogec could retire, but she continues to work because she loves it so much. If we could all be so lucky to find a calling that we love and that makes such a difference! Enjoy the article.

Unlike the rest of the world, the United States doesn’t (yet!) have Paid Family and Medical Leave for all new mothers (which is paid time off after the birth of a baby). Without this kind of policy in place, situations like Selena’s, who gave birth on Thursday and was back at her desk on Monday while her newborn son remained in intensive care in the hospital, will continue to happen.

But right now, Congress is considering a bill that will fix this problem. Help build much-needed support for a strong, groundbreaking bill for all moms and families. Contact your Congressperson today!

Thank you for all that you do to support new moms.

Go here to easily send your congressperson a message of support for the Family Leave Insurance Act of 2008.

For an Eating Disorders Resource Guide, go to this link.

One thing in the print article that didn’t make it to the online addition is the following:

Warning Signs for Moms about Eating Disorders:

If you recognize yourself in some of these traits and behaviors, see a doctor. You may not have a full-blown eating disorder, but you may be at risk for developing one. And the earlier you get treatment, the better it will be for you and your family.

#1: You’re a high achiever and a perfectionist.

#2: You’re overly controlling about the way your kids play and eat.

#3: You can’t stop obsessing about food–and this interferes with how much you can enjoy your family.

#4: You have low self-esteem, putting yourself down for being “too fat,” and feel guilty for not living up to your high standards.

#5: You keep an extensive diary, complete with detailed lists of calories and fat consumed, the amount you’ve exercised, or the number of times you’ve purged.

#6: You have unusual food rituals–you shift the food around your plate to make it look as if you’ve eaten it, say–and try to avoid eating in front of your school-age kids or other adults.

#7: You’re secretive or vague about what you eat when asked.

#8: You dress in baggy clothes to hide your body.

Be well!

“I think back to all the times when my baby was teething or gnawing on the side of her car seat, and my heart sinks wondering about what her tiny body ingested.” –Bobbi (mother of a one year-old)

Can you believe it? A recent study conducted by the watchdog group, Friends of the Earth, found that 56% of infant carriers, 44% of car seats, and 40% of the strollers they tested had dangerous levels of toxic fire retardant chemicals.

This is downright scary–and is yet another toxic exposure on a long list of children’s products with toxic chemicals to come out lately. We have to turn this tide.

The good news: Graco, the giant manufacturer of children’s products, responded to the Friends of the Earth report the day it was published. Graco says they want to do the right thing, but they haven’t yet committed to removing these chemicals from their products. If Graco gets rid of these chemicals, other baby product manufacturers will be under enormous pressure to follow suit.

*Ask Graco, and other manufacturers of children’s products, to not use any more halogenated fire retardants – period! Go to this link to sign a petition: http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/1768/petition.jsp?petition_KEY=1230

Haloge-what? Halogenated flame retardants have been shown to cause serious health disorders including endocrine disruption, cancer, birth defects and a host of reproductive and neurological disorders in developing fetuses and offspring in animals.

Forward this note to your family, friends, and community so we can all let Graco, and other manufacturers, know that nobody wants toxics near their kids. When consumers speak, companies listen.

New Mom Central interviews Melanie Bowden, author of Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me? True Stories of New Motherhood on Blog Talk Radio. Ms. Bowden is a registered postpartum doula and a mother of two children living in Davis, California.

In addition to her book, Ms. Bowden has published a workbook called Get Your Articles Published and has been freelancing for magazines and websites since 1999. Her articles have appeared in over 100 publications including Vibrant Life, Jugglezine, Parents’ Monthly, and Writers Weekly. She also teaches magazine writing classes, coaches writers, and speaks to writing and parenting groups.

The show airs on Friday, May 23, at 9:30 a.m. PST. The topic of the show will be “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Me?” Ms. Bowden and I will be discussing some of the things that we wish someone would have told us before we became mothers. Ms. Bowden will also be sharing information from her interviews with other mothers about the things they wished someone would have told them when they became mothers for the first time.

One of the most difficult aspects of the transition to motherhood can be the difference between a first-time mother’s expectations of “life after birth” and the reality. Ms. Bowden and I will shed some light on the underreported and rarely talked about major life transition called “motherhood.”

Click here on Friday and then look for our show listed under “Featured Today” to learn some things that could make your transition into motherhood, especially the first three months, a little easier and even more joyful. You can call in with your own questions, or join the discussion with your own stories. The listener call-in line is (347) 945-6211.

If you can’t listen in on Friday, look for a blog post here at Spit-Up On My Shoulder afterwards with a link to the taped show.

Top Ten list (in no particular order) of What Dad Can Do For Mom addressed to the father. Hopefully some of these suggestions will fit your relationship:

Take initiative with the kids – When a child has a need or a problem, dive in. For example, you be the one to tend to your child in a restaurant. If your wife offers a suggestion, take on board what’s useful in her comment, and keep diving in.

Take on a regular chore – Pick an everyday childrearing or housework task and start doing it routinely with little fanfare.

Arrange date nights – Set up the babysitting, take the lead in telling your kids that you’re going out, and be the last one out the door.

Start by joining – Try to have your opening move be one of interest, support, empathy, and what you agree with – rather than withdrawal, detached analysis, or disagreement. Imagine how you’d feel if you were she, if you had her tasks, her day, her life. Try to explore any negative feelings in her rather than step back from them or try to fix them quickly so they go away.

Ask three questions in a row – Every day, try to ask three questions in a row about her inner experience, such as: How did you feel when _______ ? Deep down, what did you really want in that situation? Can you say more about that? How was _______ related to _______ for you?

Give her a night off each week – From start to finish, handle one night a week. It’s fine to have take-out and to do things your way (as long as the effects don’t spill over onto her). If she wants to stay home and take a long bath, you’re still in charge of the kids and the housework.

Reach out to her first – A relationship is like a series of volleys in tennis, and it’s typically the woman who puts the ball in play. Instead, you be the one to call to see how her day is going. Give her a card or small present out of the blue. Be the one to say, “Hey, let’s talk.”

Stick up for her with your family and friends – Put your wife in a good light. Imagine that the conversation is being recorded and your wife will listen to it; what would her reaction be?

Communicate a vulnerable feeling or wish – Share some part of your inner experience that is soft, vulnerable, and open. If it makes you squirm a bit to imagine saying it – that’s what you ought to say!

Be affectionate without it being about sex – Besides the obvious (hugs, etc.), try little massages or back scratches, rubbing her feet, or fluffing her hair. Ask her what she likes. With words, tell her things that you like about her, why you’re fond of her. Tell her you love her. A lot.