Spit-up On My Shoulder

I hope you enjoy this essay I wrote when my girls were five and two. I still think I’m catching up on sleep from those years!

NIGHTUS INTERRUPTUS

No matter how old your kids are, every so often you will still get slammed with a sleepless night. Invariably these nights are the result of you having some fun. If your children are anything like mine they live by the motto, “If Mommy and Daddy have a good time, they must suffer the consequences and suffer dearly.”

Yes, folks, those carefree partying days are long gone. Don’t even kid yourself otherwise. Just when you think it’s safe, and especially when you are really counting on sleep that night–well, that’s every night–circumstances beyond your control will leave you a bleary-eyed mess the next day. Here’s my most recent encounter with one of those nights that remind you how difficult sleep deprivation is and get you to be more vigilant about birth control for awhile.

My children are 5 and 2 1/2. You’d think I’m in the clear and can count on a good night’s sleep, but think again. Recently our family went with two other families to ride a train and then have dinner. My two-year-old, who normally naps every day, would not take a nap the afternoon before the train ride. Not a good thing but, as we all know, you can’t make a kid sleep–the stubborn little boogers! By the time we arrived home it was an hour past the kids’ regular bedtime. They both were so tired I figured they would pass out for the night. What a surprise, my two year old had other plans.

Starting at 10:30 she began waking up every half hour and crying that frustrating, “I’m overtired so no one else gets to sleep either,” cry. Due to several glasses of wine at dinner, neither my husband or I thought of giving her Children’s Tylenol until about 1 a.m. After the Tylenol, and what felt like hours of her rustling around, she seemed to calm down to go to sleep and all was quiet. O.K., I thought, if I fall asleep right now I’ll get a good five hours of sleep. Well, the alcohol I had imbibed in had other ideas. Finally, around 2:00, I fell asleep.

Suddenly I was jolted awake by a loud gagging/clicking sound. The cat is throwing up in the hall! Is it just my cat or do all cats make a really weird sound when they barf? Of course, my husband doesn’t wake up. I drag myself out of bed, clean up the lovely mess, and throw the cat outside. Your cat illness sympathy level is at it’s lowest point at 3 a.m. and my cat tends to time his pukes accordingly. I get back in bed, but that darn alcohol and rich food combination keeps me tossing and turning again. It takes a long time for me to fall back asleep.

I’m having my first contact of the night with REMs when I’m pulled out of my dream by a warm and sticky feeling. If you are a male, you may want to skip down to the next paragraph. Unfortunately, my period has started and, not to get too graphic, I need to get up and change my pajamas. Words can not explain how crazed I feel at this point. I am plagued with fears. I’m afraid to look at the clock, afraid of what’s going to happen next, and afraid of what a lunatic mother I’m going to be with my kids all day. I also loathe men–they who sleep through cats barfing and don’t menstruate.

As I lay there seething, I realize I don’t even have the energy to seethe properly. I painfully turn my head to look at the clock and see that it’s only half an hour until the alarm will go off. I surrender and slowly pull myself up and go to the kitchen to put on the water for coffee. Oooh, we’re going to have a fun day today, kiddies! Nothing like an exhausted parent who’s overdosing on caffeine.

I think the mix of parenting and sleepless nights are part of what Charles Darwin meant by survival of the fittest. Only those who can go without sleep have lasted to perpetuate our species. Who knew being among the fittest was so tiring?

So, whatever the ages of your children, go ahead and plan those fun evenings out. Just don’t count on doing much more than surviving through the next day. Darwin would be proud of you.