Spit-up On My Shoulder

Dear Readers,

I recently came across some pages I had written when I was in the worst of my postpartum depression. The entry is dated 11/29/95 when my daughters were 3 (Danielle) and 6 months (Linda). It’s still painful for me to read these words, but I’m hoping sharing them will help any of you who are feeling the same way right now as I was then. Reading through the diary also reinforced for me how wrong I was to wait to tell others what I was going through and to seek medical help.

Also, if you find reading the diary entry helpful, will you please let me know? I’m not sure if it’s beneficial to readers to read the diary or not. Thank you.

11/29/95:

I should have written yesterday because I had a really good day, but today I feel like shit again. It started about an hour ago and I just feel immobilized. I was trying to bring back how I felt yesterday - struggling to draw the good feeling back - and there was just no way. I can’t get there once the bad mood starts. Plus, the TV is broken. It’s really not a big deal, but I know when I’m having a day like this, turning on the TV can help get me through. Also, I started to get stressed about much it’s going to cost to fix the damn thing.

Danielle and I are in the backyard because it’s so hot out, like summer. I keep cussing though about every little thing that happens. When I get like this I don’t care about anything and the suicide thoughts come flooding back. Poor Danielle. I feel so horrible that she’s seeing me like this. She gets very upset and says, “What’s wrong, Mom?” and all I can think is that your mother is going nuts. She’s so wonderful, which makes me feel worse - like I”m screwing her up for life. I probably am - her and Linda both.

When I get like this too I am dying to talk to someone, but just don’t know who to call and am afraid of what they’ll think. I know they’ll think I’m a lunatic. I’m so tired, and tired of being needed 24 hours a day.