Spit-up On My Shoulder

My interview with Eric Maisel, the author of Ten Zen Seconds, starts today. The entire interview will appear in 4 consecutive posts.

THE INTERVIEW:

MB: Welcome, Eric, to Spit-Up On My Shoulder.

Can you summarize for us the philosophy behind Ten Zen Seconds? It’s wonderful to know that a new parent can find calm is as little as 10 seconds.

EM: The basic idea is to marry a long, deep breath with some useful thoughts. It’s really that simple. Both the deep breathing and the useful thinking contribute to calm. Working together, the breath with the thought, they amount to a kind of charm, which is why I chose “incantation” as the word to describe these breath-and-thought bundles. An incantation is the word used in the world of magic to stand for a verbal charm.

MB: How can a new mother know when she is uncentered?

EM: You mean that she might be too uncentered to know that she is uncentered? Some of the common signs are confusion, distraction, irritability, and impulsiveness. If she will periodically use the first incantation, “I am completely stopping,” that will give her a chance to check in with herself and see if she is uncentered. Without that mindful stopping, it’s possible— and quite usual— for someone to remain uncentered for long stretches of time without quite noticing it.

MB: Can Ten Zen Seconds help with the stress that becoming a parent brings?

EM: Yes, absolutely. So much of the stress is cognitive, about worries, fears, confusion, mixed messages, and so on, and this mindfulness technique helps you get a better grip on your mind so that you are thinking productive, beneficial thoughts rather than negative, anxious, harmful thoughts.

When your baby is cranky, sick, or not sleeping, you don’’t want to move to the place of catastrophe; rather, you want to keep things in perspective, including being able to tap into the simple joy of having a newborn.

MB: Let’s talk about the first 2 of the 12 incantations and how new parents can utilize them.

Incantation 1 - I am completely stopping: Since babies don’t wait, how can a new mom use Incantation 1?

EM: Babies can wait ten seconds, which is all one incantation takes! Indeed, the feeling that “things can’t wait” is exactly the mindset that you want to alter, so that you feel more in control of your mind and your life rather than always pulled along by the next thing that “has” to get done.

Yes, if there is real danger, you can’t stop; but if all that is up is that the kitchen “must” get cleaned while your baby is napping, those are exactly the kinds of thoughts and pressures that need reframing by first of all stopping to see what that “must” is all about.

MB: Incantation 2 - I expect nothing: Can you give some examples of how new parents can utilize Incantation 2?

EM: From the very beginning, many contemporary parents “need” their child to do certain things: turn over, crawl, walk, speak, read French, and so on. Parents get attached to these developmental milestones in a competitive way, as if the neighbor child is “better” for crawling a week earlier.

There is so much unhealthy competition built into modern parenting (and society), where the infant is already at some risk of not getting into Harvard if she doesn’’t crawl fast enough. It would be very healthy and very wise to “expect nothing” with respect to these milestones. Naturally, you want to notice if something is fundamentally wrong, but that is very different from needing your child to build a magnificent bridge with his erector set or to play Chopin.

Next time: Incantations 3 - 6