Spit-up On My Shoulder

I saw a friend of mine yesterday who had her first baby just over three weeks ago. The baby is doing great. She’s very cute and happy and healthy. Yet my friend mentioned how often she feels guilty about her parenting.

Although mother guilt can start in pregnancy (am I eating the right foods for my baby? etc..), it comes on like gangbusters after your baby arrives. When Danielle was a baby, I felt badly when I couldn’t soothe her cries, when she wouldn’t sleep well, when I didn’t breastfeed successfully, and so many other things. I thought there must be something wrong with me that life wasn’t going smoothly, especially because no one had told me how hard it could be.

There’s something about giving birth that brings on big feelings of guilt and inadequacy. There is still so much secrecy about the realities of caring for a newborn that it can be hard to understand why you are feeling overwhelmed. No more secrets - babies are a lot of work!

I hope the following tips will lessen your Mom Guilt:

• Give your baby a good, long look. Are they for the most part doing well? Are they gaining weight? Is your pediatrician happy with the baby’s development? Then you are doing a great job. Be proud of that!

• If you’re baby is not doing well, it’s not your fault. You are the best mother for that baby. Don’t ever forget it. I hope and pray that your baby is healthy soon.

• The Perfect Mother is a myth. There’s no such thing. Please stay away from people who criticize your parenting. They must be awfully insecure to feel they have to inflict their judgments on you.

• Make a list of everything you do during the day. I’ll bet it’s long! Do you know of any other job that requires you to work this many hours from the get-go with hardly any training?

• Start working now on getting some perspective about your mothering. The sooner you start, the better. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Let people know that you could use encouragement, then let their words peacefully flow over you. Write down positive things people say about your parenting, and pull that list out whenever you are doubting yourself.

• Accept help. I had a horrible time asking and accepting help after both of my births. That was a mistake. I have learned my lesson though! A few years ago when I had foot surgery, I accepted all offers of help. It was wonderful.

• Talk to someone about your feelings. Whether it’s your partner, your mom, your sister, a friend, or a therapist. Holding your feelings in will only make you feel more isolated. Once you start talking about your struggles as a new mom, you’ll be amazed at how many people say, “I felt the same way.”

I can’t say that Mom Guilt ever goes away completely (mine hasn’t!), but don’t ever hesitate to acknowledge the amazing job you are doing. Parenting is the toughest, but most incredible, job in the world. Don’t let guilt drain the energy you need for parenting’s challenges. I would love to hear any stories you have about managing your own Mom Guilt.