Spit-up On My Shoulder

To continue with the topic of my 3/26/07 post, I’d like to share with you an article I wrote a few years back. The article came about because of my own struggles with how to find the right balance between working and being at home with my children.

When I decided to stay at home after my second daughter’s birth, I was very nervous about our finances. The concept of sequencing helped alleviate a lot of that stress. The article is in no way meant to criticize those who go back to work (which I did myself for three years after my first daughter’s birth.) It’s to share an option that worked for me and may work for you too.

SEQUENCING: A LIFE PLAN FOR WORKING & PARENTING

When I quit my job to become a stay-at-home mom, I was apprehensive, picturing endless years of domestic chores and unemployment. About a year later, I heard the term “sequencing” which refers to taking time out from full-time employment to raise your children at home and to seeing at-home parenting as just one of many phases of life.

What a relief! When I realized my time at home would be only a short sequence and that eventually I would make money again, I calmed down a lot.

In the 1980s, many parents like me realized that having a high-powered career and raising children at the same time is exhausting and stressful. In fact, it was the topic of a 1986 bestseller titled, Sequencing, by Arlene Rossen Cardozo, who outlined the three stages of a less hectic way of life:

Stage 1: Full-time career
Stage 2: Full-time parenting
Stage 3: Reincorporating career into your life as your children grow.

The ideas in this book are still relevant to parents in 2007. A career-home-career plan allows parents to design their lives based on what’s best for their families without sacrificing the accomplishments they’ve already made. As Cardozo puts it, “Sequencing is the solution more and more women choose of having it all–career and family–by not trying to do it all at once, at all times in their lives.” Dads can also benefit from sequencing.

Although it won’t necessarily be easy, if you know your priority is to be at home the rest will fall into place. It’s necessary to have a supportive spouse or partner who values what you are doing. Stay-at-home parenting is difficult and you will need the moral support your partner provides. Buy-in from both parents greatly increases the odds of your time at home being a positive experience for your family.

THE FINANCES OF SEQUENCING

Parents planning to sequence have to be willing to make financial sacrifices, but it is possible to get by on less. Some expenses–the costs of working–go down when one parent stays at home. Working people have higher income taxes as well as expenses for childcare, professional clothes, dry-cleaning, and commuting. There are many resources available to help you economize and ease the transition to a smaller family income. A good book on cutting costs is, Miserly Moms: How to Survive on One Income in a Two Income Economy, by Jonni McCoy. McCoy also has a Web site with information on finances as well as inspiring “coming-home” stories.

Listen to your inner voice when society’s messages about having material things start to crowd in. Cardozo reminds parents that they are making memories with their children and that’s more important than any amount of money. A parent who stays at home with a child for his or her first five years spends at least 10,000 more hours with that child than if they were at the office. Nothing is more valuable to your children than your time, a commodity that money can’t buy.

TIPS FROM SEQUENCING VETERANS

Maintain regular contact with other adults. One of the the hardest parts of being home is the isolation from other grown-ups. In her book, At-Home Motherhood: Making It Work For You, author Cindy Tolliver refers to the isolation as the, “Home Alone Syndrome.” Anyone who is home alone for a prolonged period of time is likely to get depressed, so stay-at-home parents need to be aware of this risk and take steps to have regular adult contact.

Seek out neighbors who stay home, play groups, and parent groups. Attend one of the parent/child classes offered by recreation departments, hospitals, and churches. You could even start your own parenting group and/or babysitting cooperative; put up a flyer or place an ad to find other stay-at-home parents who want to share experiences and provide each other with valuable tips.

Andrea Bertron, a mother of two, found several ways to deal with the isolation of being a stay-at-home mom. “I would go to the gym where they had babysitting and chat with the other adults. Also, being part of a cooperative preschool gave me a chance to talk with other moms and the teachers,” she says.

Make time for yourself. You need a break from the hard work of raising children. Enlist the help of a family member, babysitter, or friend so you can get away on a regular basis, even if it’s just out to a movie.

Don’t neglect your own interests. Parents, especially mothers, can easily fall into the trap of looking after everyone else’s needs and ignoring their own. Exercising, playing a musical instrument, attending lectures, and reading books can help you continue to develop during your time at home.

Change your expectations. When they first start staying home, many parents are amazed at how little they get done during the day–and they don’t even take a coffee break or a lunch hour! This may be tough if you are used to being a super-productive person on the job. Realize that full-time parenting is life at a different pace and that being a relaxed, happy parent is more important than a fully checked-off “to do” list.

CAREER ISSUES

By keeping current on professional reading, maintaining memberships in professional organizations, and staying in touch with former colleagues, many parents are able to transition back to work fairly smoothly and at a comparable level to when they left. Be aware of ways you can keep up your skills through volunteer work or work-at-home opportunities.

Liz Owen-Brune, a mother of two, took the skills she had developed working for others and started her own part-time graphic design business at home. “The amount I would have made working for someone else, after paying for daycare costs, would not have increased our income, but my job would have increased our stress levels!” she says. She fits 10 hours of work a week around naptimes and school schedules and she can increase her workload, if she desires, as her children grow.

After your time at home, don’t be surprised if your career goals change. Integrating family life and a profession doesn’t mean you must return to working 60+ hours a week. Job-sharing and professional part-time jobs are becoming more common place. In a San Francisco Chronicle article titled, “Take This Job and Love It,” writer Rex W. Huppke claims that customized work arrangements, which help employees balance careers and family life, will be the key to managing the modern work force. Use this to your advantage when you decide to re-enter the job market and shop around for a company that provides the flexibility you need as a parent.

Sequencing gives you the chance to explore and possibly switch careers. Tolliver suggests you analyze your marketable skills and then make use of the strongest ones. These skills are usually the ones you most enjoy doing. Sign up for courses or read books about your new career interest. Bertron, a former payroll clerk, started taking courses at night when her youngest was a baby and added day courses when both children were in school. She eventually completed coursework to become a paralegal and now works three days a week during her children’s school hours.

Be sure to network by telling everyone you know–friends, relatives, former employers, neighbors–about your new professional interest. The more people keeping an eye out for you, the better.

SEQUENCING: A WORKABLE CHOICE

During my time at home I’ve discovered that one way to have it all, is by not having it all at once. Initially my husband and I thought we could afford for me to be home for only one year, but I’ve now been a stay-at-home mom for eleven years. During that time I discovered my love of writing, became certified as a postpartum doula, and stopped counting the times my daughters have expressed gratitude that I’m at home. Don’t get me wrong, they also drive me crazy quite frequently and we’ve struggled financially at times, but I have no regrets about taking this life path. It may turn out to be the richest sequence of my life.

MORE INFO:

Mothers & More is a national non-profit organization that provides support and advocacy for sequencing women. Approximately 40 percent of Mothers & More members currently work for pay in some capacity, most of them on a part-time basis.