Spit-up On My Shoulder

If you were hoping for a vaginal birth and instead had a cesarean section, you may be feeling disappointment or depression over it. These feelings are very normal. The c-section was not your fault. I know you did the best you could during the birth.

Melissa, a woman profiled in my book who had an unplanned c-section, describes her reaction this way:

“This overwhelming sadness came over me. I wanted to cry, but didn’t know why…I felt I had missed a sacred passage that every woman is entitled to have. I asked myself, What if I never have a natural childbirth? That’s when I really fell into a depression.”

People would say they were sorry about me having the c-section and that would kill me. Other comments like: ‘Oh, but you have a healthy baby,’ or “You’re so lucky that you didn’t have to go through labor,’ were also painful. It would have been better if people just would have listened and encouraged me for the next time. People were surprised that I was so upset.”

If you are feeling any self-blame about your c-section, I hope you can find a path to forgiving yourself. I learned recently that true forgiveness means being able to say, “Thank you for the experience.” What did you learn from the c-section that you can be thankful for?

Here is what Melissa discovered:

“I learned [in therapy] that I have issues with challenging authority and potentially getting involved in a conflict…I know that I did the best I could given the circumstances, but I also know that next time will be different and I will speak up if the situation calls for it. My experience has also helped me to be a better advocate for my son and to stand up to his doctor when I don’t believe she is right.

The thing that has made me most at peace with the delivery is the thought that it happened for a reason. I don’t believe it was a medical one [Melissa feels her doctors pressured her to have the c-section], but more the belief that the total disappointment and frustration and sadness of this experience will make my next child’s birth that more special.”

A wonderful organization for information and support is ICAN, the International Cesarean Awareness Network. Some of the highlights of their website include:

• Information on how education can prevent unnecessary cesareans
• Support for cesarean recovery (including email support)
• How to find an ICAN chapter in your area, and
• Information on VBACs (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean)

While pregnant, it can be hard to imagine you will have a c-section. If you do have one, you are not a failure, but one of millions of mothers in the same situation. You are not alone.