Spit-up On My Shoulder

Why do we see articles in parenting magazines that only address what the mom is doing wrong? “Top 10 Mistakes New Moms Make,” “How To Get a Grip on Your Finances Once You’re a Mom,” and “8 Ways to Be a Better Mom,” for example. And these are not in magazines specifically geared to mothers, but ones that have the word “parent” in their titles.

Whenever I see articles like the ones above, it burns me up! What about the fathers? Don’t they make mistakes, need financial advice, and want to be better parents too?

Back in 1995 there was an uproar in the San Francisco area about a baby that was used in a fashion show who cried through the whole thing and was obviously miserable. However, all the letters to the San Francisco Chronicle about the incident only placed fault with the baby’s mother. One letter particularly set me off. So I sent my own letter in response. Here it is:

Dear Editor:

A letter titled “Baby Prop” in the September 30th paper prompted me to write. Ms. Adams commented on the use of a baby in the Passport 95 Fashion Show. I was not at the event so I can’t comment on what happened there, but what bothered me about her letter was the assumption that the baby’s mother was the sole person responsible for the baby’s well-being. She criticized the mother and suggested the mother needed counseling. Why was nothing said about the baby’s father? Two people brought that baby into the world and two people are responsible for her.

The view that the mother makes all the decisions about a child, and holds sole responsibility for a bad decision, absolutely drives me crazy! It is this attitude that encourages fathers to shirk their responsibilities as parents in our society. Why should they shoulder their duty when the mother is the only one held accountable?

I find this attitude frustrating, to say the least, as a woman and a mother. I also think it is insulting to all the responsible fathers out there because they are not given credit for the important roles they play in their children’s lives. Until our society assumes both parents are equal partners in a child’s upbringing, we will continue to have problems with absentee fathers. Being a mother is hard enough, don’t add to it by laying all the burden (and guilt!) of parenting on the mother.

Sincerely,
Melanie Bowden

Now I know the baby’s mother may have been a single mom or in a relationship with a female partner, but that was never stated anywhere in the paper, so why did Ms. Adams not think of the father? My letter was published (and I received great feedback on it), so I hope it made people think. We are so quick to dump all blame on the mother. It’s not fair and it’s not right.