Spit-up On My Shoulder

Previously (1/18/07 post) I discussed the benefits of saying yes when help is offered. It’s also important to know when to say no. I recently interviewed Susan Newman, a social psychologist and the author of The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It–and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever, about her tips for new moms.

MB: What unique situations occur with new parents that would cause them to utilize the techniques from The Book of NO?

SN: Trying to please parents and in-laws. Allowing visitors too often—especially with a newborn. Attempting to meet goals and expectations of friends. Trying to keep same schedules and or commitments you had before you had babies.

MB: How can new moms feel confident about saying no to people?

SN: New moms have a lot of latitude in refusing because most people respect the “overload” that comes with babies and young children. The problem or difficulty comes in when new mothers don’t understand this and don’t take advantage of the opportunities and rights they have to say, “No, visiting us in the middle of the afternoon won’t work.” Or making similar statements to protect themselves physically and emotionally.

Friends, even relatives, overlook the fact that new mothers need time alone with their infants and partners—to bond, to become, in essence, a family. As a mom, you need to protect yourself, your baby, and your marriage by saying no to reserve time for yourself. This isn’t selfish and it’s important for new moms to change their thinking.

MB: What are some of the techniques you recommend for new moms to use when people drop by unexpectedly, or ask to visit at inconvenient times?

SN: New moms might, at the outset, make a “visiting schedule” and stick to it. Let people know that these are the times company can stop by. Those times can be very specific and apply to parents and in-laws as well.

When someone shows up at the door, simply say, “This really isn’t a good time. Can you come back at xxx?” Or, “I’m so glad you want to visit; I wish you had called. Let’s set a date/time, but I’m not up to company right now.”

MB: What about cases where family or friends offer help, but the new mom doesn’t want it (like when their mother-in-law says she wants to come for a week and the mom is not comfortable with that long of a visit)?

SN: All dealings with a mother-in-law when it comes to refusing her offers, should come from her son (or daughter). You have to ask your partner to speak to his mother.

Depending on the situation, you might ask him to tell her to shorten her visit; tell her you have all the help you need, but would love her to stay for xx days; or tell her you are delighted she wants to help, but it would be more valuable to you later on.

New moms can also be very clear about the kind of help they need. For example, I don’t need help with the baby, but I’d love it if you drop off dinner for tonight; stop off at the dry cleaners for me; return these books to the library; do my grocery shopping (supplying a detailed list); take my two-year-old for the afternoon…

People want to help. If you say no to what they offer, but give them a way to be useful, they will be happy…and so will you.

MB: How can new moms avoid visitor burn-out? I’m particularly thinking of when the new mom wears herself out entertaining visitors rather than making it clear to them that she doesn’t have the energy to play hostess when they come.

SN: New moms have to make a pact with themselves that they will not host their visitors. Hard to do, but when people visit, drop into a chair and stay there. Point guests to the kitchen to get what they want. Repeat, “I will not get up.” After the first time doing this, a new mom will decide this approach is wonderful and no one suffers.

If a scheduled visit, she can ask the guest to bring snacks, food, etc… for themselves. Explain she doesn’t have anything in the house to feed them and, if she did, no energy to put it out.

MB: Thank you for your time, Susan. You’ve provided some wonderful tips.