The Debate
Did you see Oprah on Tuesday? I was hesitant to watch it because I am so tired (sick, actually) of the working mom/stay-at-home mom debate. I wish we would stop being so judgmental and trust that every mother will do what’s best for her family, even if she makes choices we wouldn’t make for ourselves.
I’ve run the career gamut since having kids: worked close to full-time, stayed at home full-time, and worked part-time. Each situation had its own benefits and challenges. It took me years to find out what works best for my family, and I struggled with guilt and doubt the whole way. Criticism didn’t help me during those struggles, but understanding sure did.
I also know I’ve been guilty of judging other women’s choices in the past, and I regret that.
Do you ever hear of a dad criticizing another dad’s work choices? Of course not. I don’t say this often, but we really need to be more like men on this one! 
Also, can we please eliminate the phrase “working mother” from our vocabulary? All mothers work.
I did find some gems during the Oprah show that I’d like to share with you:
Oprah: “We need to get to a point where women respect other women’s decisions.”
Over 50% of mothers feel they are failing at motherhood. (How sad is that? It’s clear that women are taking all of this judgment to heart.)
Dr. Robin Smith (love her!): “You need to stop trying to make someone else’s way your way. Help other mothers walk their own journey into what it means to be a mother to them.”
Oprah: “It’s not about whether you stay home or not, it’s about your commitment to your children.”
Dr. Robin: “Guilt is there to teach us, not torture us. Ask yourself, what did I need to do that I didn’t do? Don’t put your guilt feelings onto your child. Pay attention to what you need and to what makes you feel alive.”
A new mom in the audience who changed her work plans shortly after giving birth: “Becoming a mother has been such a huge transition.”
Amen to that!
Published January 24, 2007 . Filed under: Life Balance
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The working mother debate has always fascinated me. I completely agree with you Melanie… each woman must make the decision for herself and her family and we, as other mothers, should respect her for it. Being a mother has been the most rewarding and the most challenging gift in my life. I find it funny how when I had one child, my friends who had two always told me… “wait till you had two!”… when I had babies they told me… “wait till there in school.” now I hear… “wait till their in high school” … I feel like I am never really in the CLUB, since other mothers are telling me “just wait…”
Mothers need support and encouragement.
January 24, 2007 @ 9:41 pm
The thing I hate about this debate is it is inherently hypocritical (like at least on other issue that affects women that I can think of)-first of all it assumes that all women have such a choice, and it assumes that there is one parent at home and one at work supporting that lifestyle-why else do we distinguish between a “stay-at-home mom” (visualize-play dates, soccer, PTA) and “welfare mom” (completely different visual). Once we get past that it assumes that women are so un-unique that there is a right answer that applies to us all.
After my daughter was born, I was home 3 months and then went back to work part-time, after my twins I stayed home for 2 years. I am now back at work part-time again, boys are almost 3, daughter is almost 5. As for me, I was blessed with the choice of whether to work. Part of me really wishes that I just loved being home with my kids so much that I never wanted to work (the paid kind) again-but it just wasn’t me. I cherish the balance my part-time job brings to my life, and if I am going to truly be “present” for my kids when I am home, I need to be a happy person, and personally I want an outside job. The debate ends with the bottom line, that those who are blessed with the choice, have the right to do whatever works the best in their particular family, at that particular time in their life. On a whole different topic if we really respect a mother’s time with her child-we need to give real, paid, postpartum time off, and subsidize respite childcare, and do away with the nanny tax–if we really want children home with a parent-we should structure our society to actually support that decision.
January 28, 2007 @ 9:13 pm